Welcome to the Jungle
by Quatermass
Summary: Dr Snyder and Angel, along with comrades old and new, participate in Torgue's tournament, unaware that, on the distant continent of Aegrus, a plot is reaching out to take revenge. Snyder will find help in expected quarters, and from some very unexpected people. But can Snyder save anyone, let alone himself? (Book 3 of the Ballad of Ricky and Angel)
1. Foreword

**FOREWORD**

Welcome to the third story of the Ballad of Ricky and Angel. While I may continue the series, I hope to get the Ballad brought to a satisfying conclusion with this one. This story will combine both the _Mister Torgue's Campaign of Carnage_ and the _Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt_ DLC campaigns from _Borderlands 2_. However, I also intend to bring in elements from the Pre-Sequel for this story too. Two of the characters shouldn't be a surprise, given that one of them appeared in my interquel omake and files compilation story, _The Ballad of Ricky and Angel Files_. But one of them may come as a surprise.

Disclaimer time. Firstly, there will be annotations and author's notes galore. If you don't like it, then bugger off.

Secondly, this is an M-rated story. Sex, violence, and a fuckton of language can be expected from hereon in. Plus, there'll be a lot of disturbing stuff later on, especially when we get to the _Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt_ stuff.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. The _Borderlands_ series is the property of 2K Games, Gearbox, and whoever else I have failed to mention. Please, support the official release. Otherwise, Mr Torgue will explode you, and Nakayama will use your remains for unholy experiments.


	2. Chapter 1: Reunions

**CHAPTER 1:**

 **REUNIONS**

I stumbled a bit as the Fast Travel station spat us out at our destination, a sandy arsehole of a place (like so many places on Pandora). I shook my head to try and rid myself of the dizziness. Thankfully, the disorientation passed. I guess I was preoccupied while travelling.

 **DOCTOR RICHARD SNYDER AS**

 **THE MAD SCIENTIST**

 **Mostly Mad About Angel**

"You okay, Ricky?" Angel asked. I looked into her beautiful face, with those soulful blue eyes (faintly glowing thanks to her permanent Eridium infusion), and the asymmetrical black hair. She was at least not so painfully thin now. But there were still those markings, those blue tattoo-like marks that signposted her as a Siren.

 **ANGEL CLARKE AS**

 **THE PHASE-SHIFT SIREN**

 **No Longer a Caged Bird**

I nodded, before rubbing my head. "Something's doing my head in."

"Worries consume you,

The ECHO from last night gnaws,

Is it friend or fake?"

I turned to the enigma in the black combat suit and the impassive mask. "Amongst other things, Zer0," I said wearily.

 **ZER0 AS**

 **A NUMBER**

 **You Do Not Divide By Zer0. Zer0 Divides YOU.**

"We analysed the recording of it," Gaige said, the red-haired girl in her late teens tapping at her own ECHO. "It's definitely Krieg's voice. Of course, it could have been faked, like we did to get into Control Core Angel."

 **GAIGE AS**

 **THE MECHROMANCER**

 **Strip the Gears, Rust the Springs!**

"So, in other words, we've got to be careful," Lilith said. Red of hair and golden-eyed, she was effectively the leader of our little group.

 **DOCTOR LILITH CASHLIN AS**

 **THE PHASEWALK SIREN**

 **Scarred Handsome Jack For Life!**

"I'll know whether it's him," Maya said, checking her SMG. The blue-haired Siren was the first one to meet Krieg, after all.

 **MAYA AS**

 **THE PHASELOCK SIREN**

 **When Her Looks Don't Halt Battle, There's Always Her Powers.**

The squat, bearded Hispanic man next to us wrinkled his nose. "Bah! Who cares! I want to get to the arena! Kill some _pendejos_!"

I facepalmed. "Of course you do, Salvador. Haven't you got anything on your mind than dakka and killing?"

He blinked. "I don't understand the question."

 **SALVADOR AS**

 **THE GUNZERKER**

 **No Such Thing as Enough Dakka!**

"Of course you don't," I muttered. I finally took a good look around the area. We were on the edge of the crater, near some sort of terminal nestled near some buildings. In the distance, I could see a vast arena, as well as a long-abandoned freeway, partially collapsed into the sands.

Fishing out my music player, I found the right song for the occasion. I played it through the ECHO device on my wrist.

 _Standing on the edge of the crater_

 _Like the prophets once said,_

 _And the ashes are all cold now,_

 _No more bullets, and the embers are dead._

 _Whispers in the air_

 _Tell the tale of the brothers gone,_

 _Desolation, devastation,_

 _What a mess we made when it all went wrong…_

"Heh…nice to see you still like that music player," came a too familiar voice from behind us. We whirled to find a bulky, muscular figure standing in the shadows near the Fast Travel station. Except…it was all wrong. Malformed and warped. Familiar, and yet wrong.

Maya, almost instantly, used a Phaselock on the figure, and brought it out.

 _Watching from the edge of the circus,_

 _Waiting for the games to begin,_

 _Gladiators draw their swords,_

 _Form their ranks for Armageddon…_

The man who was currently held in Maya's Phaselock, a blue ball of energy that paralysed enemies, was heavily muscled, and intimidating. But he also seemed to have two sets of arms, one bulky, the other, less so, and his body was vaguely but noticeably _warped_ , like two bodies had been mashed together. He seemed to have another face growing out of his torso, a single eye goggling at us, while a mouth gurned at us. He looked like the mutant offspring of Goro and William Birkin(1). The normal face, well, it wasn't really normal, being heavily scarred and warped. But I recognised the eyes. Or at least one of them. It was the eye of a man I thought dead.

"Nice welcome," Krieg remarked mildly, before his eyes bulged, and he howled, in the familiar ear-destroying volumes we were used to, "THE RED CARPET HASN'T BEEN SOAKED IN ENOUGH BLOOD!" And then, he hollered, "HEYOOOO!"

 **KRIEG AS**

 **THE MASHED-UP MAN**

 **Two's Company. Three's A Crime Against Nature**

 _I'm nuclear, I'm wild,_

 _I'm breaking up inside_

 _A heart of broken glass, defiled,_

 _Deep inside the abandoned child_.

I switched off the music player, before staring at Krieg, as he was lowered to the ground by Maya. Everyone covered him with guns. "You have ten seconds to prove who you are," Lilith said.

"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP-TRAIN!" Krieg yelled.

Maya nodded. "That's what he yelled at me when we first met."

"Yeah," Krieg said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly as he got to his feet. The sane personality was back in play. "I told him not to scream the word 'poop' at the top of his voice, and what does he do? No wonder you shot at me. God, it's weird, having three people upstairs. We take shifts at least, unlike last time, where the big guy hogged all the screen-time." His face contorted, and he bellowed, "AND THE BACON! I DESERVE ALL THE BACON!"

"But we saw you die," Angel said. "Jack blew your head off with that anti-respawn gun. And Steve's, too. Is he part of you too?"

"Yeah. Look, don't ask me about particulars. It's hard enough remembering the time of day, let alone half the stuff I did with you guys," Krieg said. "All I know is, long time ago, I woke up, and had three people in my head: me, the big guy, and Steve. I also have extra limbs and organs. By the way, you DID kill that bastard, didn't you?"

I looked at Angel, a sense of dread going through my mind. But I nodded. "I shot him and Nisha, with the same gun. I did it myself. But…if you're still alive…"

The same thought occurred to everyone, though it remained unspoken, understandably. Only to be broken by another familiar voice. "Then it means I'll be earning my keep somewhat more than I thought."

We all whirled to see someone leaning up against a building near the computer terminal, someone in combat gear with a hood. A woman, with blue hair and blue eyes, an elaborate blood-red tattoo that seemed to combine a Greek helmet and the Greek letter Omega on her arm. A woman with a shield with Omega engraved on it. A woman I had met only for a short time in the aftermath of the Elpis incident. A woman that Lilith clearly didn't like seeing again. "You? What the hell are you doing here, Athena?"

The woman walked over to us. "Nice to see you too, Lilith. And to answer your question, President Blake hired me to keep an eye on Doctor Snyder and Angel."

 **ATHENA AS**

 **THE GLADIATOR**

 **For Money. For Honour. For Janey.**

"And who said we wanted _you_ to tag along?" Lilith asked. I felt a terrible sense of foreboding. I remembered how angry she had been when we had first met. Was I going to see a rather lethal catfight?

"Doctor Snyder and Angel are technically employees of Hyperion," Athena said. "Therefore, when their employer gives them protection, they are obligated to accept it." She handed Angel an ECHO recorder. "Here's Blake's confirmation. It has all the codes."

Angel frowned, before saying, "Phase-shift activated," while holding the ECHO recorder. After a moment, she sighed, and handed the recorder back. "Okay, that's in order. It has all of Blake's authorisation codes. Besides, if someone did hire her to assassinate us, well, she would have done so from hiding. Is that what you're afraid of, Lilith?"

"Not really," Lilith said, glaring at Athena. "But old scars run deep."

"Like the one you gave Jack," Athena said pointedly, causing Lilith's glare to intensify. "Anyway, I'm not alone here. I brought Janey along, we've got a place to crash at when we're not at the arena. I wouldn't bring her to a hit job. As it is, she's annoyed at me taking this job anyway."

"Janey?" Lilith asked. "You mean Janey Springs?"

I blinked. The name sounded vaguely familiar. "Wait, wait wait wait…" I muttered. "Little Janey? Grew up to be a scrap merchant and black marketeer in Concordia?"

"You know her?" Athena asked, surprised.

"Long time ago," I said. "We were at primary school, I recall. Very brash, outspoken, wanted to be a storyteller. Met her a few years later some months before that whole Elpis BS with the Lost Legion. She was going around Elpis with her girlfriend Stephanie(2), but had that scrap store in Concordia. Wouldn't call her a friend by any means, but we were on decent terms."

"So you do know her," Athena said. "Then again, half of Elpis is made up of Australian colonists. Can't exactly make assumptions."

"We'll set up a reunion later," Lilith said irritably. "We've got to register for the tournament."

"Been there, done that," Athena said. She gestured at the terminal with a scowl. "Damn thing exploded in my face when I did that. Bloody Torgue and his explosions obsession. It then repaired itself through digistruction. We've still got to get a sponsor for the tournament though, for, and I'm quoting Torgue here, 'motherfucking legal reasons'. Just keep an eye out, and a hand on your weapons. The Crater is infested with bandits and murderers."

"So, same shit, different day," I muttered.

Athena chuckled ruefully, smiling for the first time since we met her. "That's Pandora for you."

"FILLED WITH BLOOD, FURY, AND DUBSTEP!" Krieg roared.

"Dubstep?" I asked, before remembering that Claptrap had an obsession with it. The short robot was a pain in the arse, but there were times when he was amusing. And to tell the truth, he seemed genuinely happy to see me and Angel together. I idly wondered what he was doing for his holiday.

"Let's get going," Lilith said, all business. "We'll talk later."

And then, Torgue chose to make himself known, speaking via an ECHO connection. " _Welcome to the Badass Crater of Badassitude, badasses! I'm Mister Torgue, broadcasting from deep orbit, and I'm ECSTATIC to see the vanquishers of Handsome Jack here! Ready to win the tournament, open the Vault, and become the number one badasses?_ "

 **MISTER TORGUE HIGH-FIVE FLEXINGTON**

 **Mixes a Mean Cocktail of Testosterone and Explosions**

"Actually, Torgue…" I looked over at Athena. "Hey, did Blake give you…"

She nodded, and pulled, from her storage deck, a couple of blood bags. One had my name on it, and was from back when I worked in Hyperion's biological research section. The other had Jack's name.

"Anyway, Mr Torgue," I said, "I doubt this will work, but have you ever considered an anti-climactic finish?"

" _Anti-WHAT? I've NEVER been a homophobe!_ "

"Okay, umm…what I meant was, I have some things here that might be able to open the Vault without the tournament. Blood from two of the biggest cowards on Pandora."

" _BUT WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?_ "

"Well, one, the odds of this actually opening the Vault are low, and two, if this does open the Vault, you can have the tournament anyway," Angel interjected hurriedly.

After a brief pause, Torgue then said, " _Well, opening the Vault would have been a great end to a tournament, but it would be an even better beginning IF THE WEAPONS WERE USED BY THE COMPETITORS AGAINST EACH OTHER! SICK GUITAR SOLO! MEEDLEY-MOW, MOW-MOW-MOW!_ "

I blinked at that. What he considered to be a good imitation of a guitar solo sounded more like his impersonation of a cat being tortured.

We made our way down to a Catch-a-Ride (Scooter had them virtually _everywhere_ on Pandora, it seemed), got some cars, and set off. I was riding with Athena, who was certainly a much better driver than Gaige. As we did so, Torgue called up again. " _Right now, your group is ranked fifty on the leaderboards. That's behind my grandma, but ahead of the guy she gummed to death. IT TOOK SEVERAL HOURS! If you want to open the Vault, you've got to rise in the leaderboards! We're setting you up with a sponsor at the Arena. But first, you've got to show what you're made of!_ "

"…Meat, blood, bone, and internal organs?" I snarked back.

" _NO! GASOLINE, GUNPOWDER, AND GUMPTION! MOW, MOW-MOW-MOW!_ " Torgue howled before disconnecting the ECHO connection. God, he was like Krieg…or at least Krieg when he wasn't sane.

"You know what the scariest thing is?" I asked Athena as we drove to the Arena.

"That's he's in charge of one of the biggest weapon manufacturers supplying to Pandora," Athena said coolly. "And he's easily a hundred times better than Handsome Jack."

True. For all Torgue's posturing and bloodlust, there wasn't as much malice in him. Unfortunately, he also would consider fights to the death, even between his own employees, awesome. I was beginning to regret agreeing to come here…

 **CHAPTER 1 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **A new fanfic, and a new set of annotations. Krieg's back, albeit as 'Kreve' (that won't be his name in-universe, but it will be for these notes). Torgue's bloodthirsty and boisterous as always. And Athena is ready to kick arse and take names. By the way, Athena and Janey will NOT be the only Pre-Sequel characters to make an appearance in this story. Who else will come back? Well, wait and see…**

 **Now, I've actually decided that Book 4 (should I come to write it) of the Ballad of Ricky and Angel will NOT be based on** ** _Tales from the Borderlands_** **, OR the Headhunter DLCs, which is what I originally considered. Instead, it will be based, albeit very broadly, on** ** _Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep_** **. How can this be?, I hear you ask. After all, Roland is very much alive, I intend to keep him that way, and we've already had a brief reference to it back in** ** _You've Got to Hide Your Love Away_** **. Well, I played some more of that DLC shortly before finishing this chapter (and long before I published it), and I realised, there was a lot to be mined from that story.**

 **Instead of portraying the story as one done as a** ** _Bunkers and Badasses_** **game, however, I've decided to crib from** ** _Futurama_** **. One of my favourite 'episodes' was the DVD movie** ** _Bender's Game_** **, where** ** _Dungeons and Dragons_** **provided much of the humour, and I will be using that movie as an inspiration. I'll be putting in some groundwork for Book 4 in this story. Should I come to write it, I've already decided on a tentative title. In keeping with using song titles for entries in the Ballad of Ricky and Angel, the tentative title of Book 4 will be called** ** _Do You Believe in Magic?_**

 **The lyrics are from** ** _Nuclear_** **, by Mike Oldfield, and the rights are obviously not owned by me. This song I heard from a trailer for** ** _Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain_** **. Great song.**

 **1\. Goro is the infamous four-armed combatant from the** ** _Mortal Kombat_** **series. William Birkin was a scientist working for Umbrella, and who, after being shot by Umbrella's soldiers, deliberately infected himself with the G-Virus. The resulting monster is a recurring boss in** ** _Resident Evil 2_** **. I was thinking, specifically, of Birkin's second form: part of his face is visible on his torso, and he has practically four arms, although one set (in that form at least) is practically vestigial. I love the music themes for Birkin, specifically** ** _The Second Malformation of G_** **and** ** _The Third Malformation of G_** **. On a YouTube video of the former, I remember a comment saying that the theme basically says "Where's your God now?!", which is quite appropriate, given that it's designed to make you scared for your life.**

 **2\. I'm assuming Stephanie is the name of Janey's lover, the one who got killed by Kraggons. After all, Janey's password for her safe (locked within said safe) is 'For Steph'.**


	3. Chapter 2: Piston

**CHAPTER 2:**

 **PISTON**

I was hurled against a wall by the force of the grenade explosion. I felt the distinctive feeling of the Sci-Zone well up within. I plunged into it, and felt the world become simple again.

I surged to my feet, and pointed at the varied bandits who were now staring at me. "I will put you on the highway to Hell! For Sci…YARGH!"

I was interrupted by Athena yanking me off my feet and behind some cover. "Less ham, more harm," she hissed, before hurling her Aspis shield at the gathered assailants.

It took me a while to recover, and then, I snarled, "Do NOT interrupt my introduction again!"

"If it keeps you alive, I'll interrupt what I need to," Athena snapped, as the Aspis returned to her arm.

I glared at her. There were some things that weren't on, and interrupting my introduction was one of them.

 **DOCTOR RICHARD SNYDER**

 **Do NOT Interrupt Him When He's Chewing the Scenery!**

Of course, it would help if we weren't in this situation, but members of competing gangs were warring in the area near the arena, and Torgue, in a move as inspired as it was insane, had armed his employees and set them upon each other.

Eventually, we vanquished them all, and I fell out of the Sci-Zone in time for Krieg to bellow, "JAUNDICE-SACK AND ANGEL-GIRL ARE STILL BADASS!"

"Thank you kindly, Krieg," I muttered. I still didn't like that damned nickname of his.

Suddenly, someone spoke to us over ECHO, someone who seemed to be Pandora's number one cybernetics fetishist…though he would have been number two until Wilhelm died. " _Piston's talking to you guys_ ," he said, with a voice as deep as an abyssal trench and darker than an event horizon of a black hole. " _I'm impressed with how you're handling yourselves out there, Vault Hunters. Torgue's telling me you need a sponsor, and I'm willing to take you guys on as apprentices. Come to the arena to find me. If you're having trouble, follow the succulent smell of success._ "

We weren't that far from the arena anyway, and we soon found our caller, a hulking cyborg, all muscle, machismo and metal, his jaw little more than a steel trap of metal. Instead of hands, he had energy weapons, with a third mounted on his back. He was being interviewed by a cameraman, who was saying, "Piston, what would you say to those who accuse you of cheating, of rigging fights to gain your number one ranking?"

The bulky cyborg chuckled, before saying, "Well, Jeffrey, I'd guess I'd have to do this!" He then raised one of the energy cannons and shot the cameraman, sending him sprawling to the ground in a smoking heap. Piston then began stomping the body furiously, saying, "And then I'd say to NEVER! CALL ME! A CHEATER!" Calming down, he then addressed the cameraman's camera. "Oh, and you can quote me on that."

 **PISTON**

 **Number One Champion, or Number One Cheater?**

I went over to the cameraman. I had one of Dr Zed's healing kits on me, and as I injected it into him, I muttered to Piston, "Overreaction, much?"

"Hey, when you're the champ, you get a lot of shit flung at you. I don't like shit getting flung at me." Piston peered at me with his piggy little eyes. "So, you're the infamous Doctor Snyder who killed Handsome Jack, huh? You don't look like much, but then again, I know better than anyone that appearances can be deceiving." His eyes flickered over to Angel. "And the Guardian Angel. You're a lot smaller than I thought you'd be. Saw your lightning trick, though, while you fought those idiots. Shock and awe, the audience love it."

"Thanks, I guess," Angel said.

"I know of the rest of you. Zer0, the mysterious assassin. Athena, the not-so-mysterious assassin. Gaige, the roboteer. Salvador, the gunzerker. Krieg, the Psycho. And Maya and Lilith, both seasoned Siren combatants. Vault Hunters working together with the champ to open this new Vault together. The audience will love it."

"You might get your chance sooner than you think," I said. "I have bags of my blood, and bags of Jack's blood. Just seeing if spilling those over the Vault will open them, though it's a long shot. If it does open, the tournament continues, only with the weapons inside the Vault."

For a moment, Piston considered it, before saying, "Piston thinks this is an intriguing idea."

I thought to myself, _And Doctor Snyder thinks that talking about yourself in the third person is pretentious, but nobody's perfect_.

"Of course, as you say, it's a long shot," Piston purred. He didn't seem to think it would work, and to be honest, neither did I. "Are you ready for the challenge of the arena regardless?"

"Piston, you have Vault Hunters here," Lilith said, a little irritably. "Three Sirens, two assassins, a pair of bloodthirsty maniacs, and a couple of geeks with major issues left over from high school bullying. We're VERY ready."

I nearly objected to that description of being a geek with issues. But then again, that did sort of fit Gaige and me fairly well. It also fit Lilith, too, though she had put herself firmly into the Siren category.

"The arena waits,

Blood will spatter on the sand,

My sword desires death."

Zer0's haiku seemed to do what Lilith's list didn't. Piston grunted, and nodded towards the arena doors. The cameraman, who had recovered, was already heading there, presumably to get away from Piston. Couldn't say I blame him. One didn't want to get shot in the chest twice. I was lucky I got to him when I did. He would have died, and if he didn't have enough money to use a New-U station, or wasn't registered, well…

Piston interrupted my train of thought. "Then Piston will sponsor you. Piston will take you under his muscly wing, and we will open that Vault together. Always assuming that Doctor Snyder's plan doesn't work, of course," he said. "I'll go and set you up with a fight, but I think Torgue will have Snyder come on to try his thing first. But when it comes to the fight, show them that Piston and the Vault Hunters are a force to be reckoned with."

As we approached the doors, Piston striding off elsewhere, Torgue decided to make himself known over the ECHOnet. " _IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES HE SEEM LIKE HE'S GONNA BETRAY THE F**K OUTTA YOU?!_ "

I froze, and then turned to watch as Piston turned a corner. That touchiness about being called a cheater…why the number one champion would sponsor us…and then, there was the fact that he reminded me uncomfortably of Wilhelm, if Wilhelm was more like a professional wrestler than a mercenary. I knew, offhand, three cyborgs: Wilhelm, Sir Hammerlock, and Gaige. Piston made a fourth. You could probably count Angel as a fifth, as she had cybernetic implants Jack put into her to enhance her Phase-shift abilities. Angel, Gaige, and Hammerlock were decent people, even if Gaige was a bit on the bloodthirsty side in battle. But Wilhelm was a monster.

So what did that make Piston?

It was Krieg, or at least his sane personality, who remarked, "I dunno about you guys, but I've got a bad feeling about this."

"Same shit, different day?" I asked, using the phrase for the second time that day.

"Heh. Close enough," Krieg said.

* * *

I stood at the edge of the arena. For the moment, only Angel and Athena stood with me. The others would come if (well, once) the blood failed to open the Vault. Angel was a given, but Athena insisted that, as our bodyguard, she was obligated to accompany us. Plus, she still had the blood bags.

It was basically a big, sandy expanse, with crude structures pocked with bullet holes and splattered with gore. In the middle was a hole covered with an immense hatch. The Vault, I realised.

" _LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!_ " Torgue's voice bellowed from loudspeakers, as the crowd watching from the stands went wild. " _GIVE IT UP FOR THE MOST BADASS REPRESENTATIVES OF HYPERION YOU WILL EVER SEE: THE MAD DOCTOR SNYDER, THE GUARDIAN ANGEL, AND THE ASSASSIN GODDESS ATHENA!_ "

I was surprised at the applause we got. Then again, I was known at least for being the killer of Handsome Jack. That probably got me some kudos from the citizens of Pandora.

" _THESE THREE BADASSES WILL BE JOINED SHORTLY BY THE VAULT HUNTERS, BUT FIRST, DR SNYDER WOULD LIKE TO ATTEMPT TO OPEN THE VAULT WITH EITHER HIS BLOOD, OR THE BLOOD OF HANDSOME JACK! WISH HIM LUCK, FOLKS!_ "

Torgue then started playing a song I had arranged with him to play earlier. It was an ancient song, and a chintzy song, but it was one of my favourites, and it was on my music player. A familiar bassline began playing, and then, the lyrics began.

 _I cross the void beyond the mind,_

 _The empty space which circles time._

 _I see where others stumble blind,_

 _To seek a truth they never find._

 _Eternal wisdom is my guide._

 _I am the Doctor!_

I was surprised when, after a few seconds, many in the audience began stomping and clapping along with the beat. I reckoned that few of them had ever heard of _Doctor Who_ , or even that bastardised version on the ECHOnet, _Blue Box Adventures_ (1). And the song was a fairly cheesy one. But it was sung by one of the actors to play the Doctor, Jon Pertwee.

 _Through cosmic wastes the TARDIS flies,_

 _To taste the secret source of life,_

 _A presence science cannot deny exists,_

 _Within, outside, behind_

 _The latitude of human minds._

 _I am the Doctor!_

Athena looked a bit annoyed at the music. " _This_ was popular?" she asked.

"The show it was based on was," I said back. "Dunno about the song."

"Semi-mystical bullshit," she muttered.

"Be thankful I didn't use _Doctorin' the TARDIS_ ," I said with a grin. "Then you'd want to kill me(2)."

"Then it's a good thing you didn't tempt fate," Athena said. "Because I am sure if I tried to kill you, Angel would try to kill me. It would be messy."

 _My voyage dissects the course of time._

 _"Who knows?", you say, but are you right?_

 _Who searches so deep to find the light_

 _That glows so darkly in the night?_

 _Towards that point, I guide my flight._

 _As fingers move to end mankind,_

 _Metallic teeth begin to grind,_

 _With sword of truth, I turn to fight_

 _The satanic powers of the night._

 _Is your faith before your mind?_

 _Know me._

 _Am I the Doctor?_

We were now at the hatch, and Athena handed me the blood bags. I decided to do mine first. It was somewhat eerie, watching liquid that had once sustained my own life, pouring out all over the hatch.

And nothing happened. Well, big surprise there.

I then opened up the blood bag of Handsome Jack, and began pouring it all over the hatch. Suddenly, the hatch seemed to move, and startled, we all stepped away. But the damned thing didn't actually open.

"Why did it react the second time?" Athena asked.

"Because we nearly got it right," I muttered. "Maybe he wasn't the biggest coward on Pandora, just the most famous. And it could be that he had to die here." Just useless speculation, of course. Looks like Torgue was going to get his tournament after all.

The man was delighted. " _It seems like neither Jack nor Snyder are the ultimate cowards! This is particularly heartening for the latter, AS I EXPECT HIM TO FIGHT LIKE THE BADASS KILLER OF HANDSOME JACK SHOULD!_ "

Soon, the others joined us, running to join us in the centre of the arena. "Well, that was disappointing," Lilith said.

"Testing theories:

The basis of all science.

Now comes the battle."

Zer0's haiku was immediately upstaged by Krieg, who was currently in the grips of his insane persona. "THE VOID COMES SCREAMING FOR US ALL! WE FIGHT IN FUTILITY FOR A FEW GASPS MORE OF SWEET SWEET BREATH!"

"Yeah, what he said!" Salvador cheered.

Athena looked at Lilith. "They're worse than Brick, aren't they?" she asked.

Lilith nodded. "But they're good to have your back in a fight. Doc, Angel, you two ready?"

"As ready as I'd ever be," Angel said, a sentiment I could only agree with.

That's when Piston made himself known via ECHO. " _Well, looks like it didn't work. Oh well. Normally, your matches will be against a single opponent, but I thought: eh. Besides, you're in a group. So what you guys are going to do is be fighting a few dozen chumps called the Horde of Horrors. I could kick their asses with both pecs tied behind my back, but you might want to take it easy._ "

I blinked. "How do you tie pectoral muscles behind your back? I mean, that sounds lethal, anatomically inconvenient, and probably impossible."

" _Doctor Snyder, you're in the middle of an arena that, if you're not careful, is gonna get soaked in your blood. Fresh blood, rather than from a bag, anyway. You shouldn't be takin' apart Piston's metaphors. Get your priorities straight, before your opponent bends your spine._ "

As if on cue, Torgue made himself known. " _Okay! The rules are simple. The Vault Hunters have to survive a fight to the death against the Horde of Horrors! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IT'S THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! THE VAULT HUNTERS VERSUS THE HORDE OF HORRORS! FIGHT!_ "

* * *

I won't bore you with the details of that fight, or with my crappy writing of fight scenes. It was mostly a blur anyway. I went into the Sci-Zone, and got socked in the jaw by Athena before I could do my little intro. Goddammit, doesn't she have any sense of theatre?

Of course, everyone fought well. Like Piston predicted, Angel's lightning bolt attacks went down well with the crowd, and I was pleased that the other contestants seemed to be merely bandit gangs who wanted to fight. We worked well as a team, with Krieg apparently suffering little to no loss to his fighting abilities after his rebirth in a mangled body.

But Piston made rather snide remarks, calling us sloppy, and slow. Torgue's comments about Piston betraying us preyed a little on my thoughts, even as I killed in the Sci-Zone. Torgue was somewhat more supportive, in his usual, ridiculously overenthusiastic way.

Once we had finished, Torgue proclaimed us to have leapt up to number five on the leaderboard. And then, Piston called. " _Piston is proud of you. I've arranged for the stagehands to deliver some weapons for you. Piston thinks this will be the start of a beautiful relationship._ "

We were all wary, save for Salvador, who hurried to the box that was digistructed in the middle of the arena, and opened it. Big surprise, there was nothing. "Hey, what gives, _cabron?!_ " Salvador snarled. "You said there'd be weapons."

Piston laughed, though this seemed to only come through ECHO. " _I'm not gonna share the Vault with anyone, even the vanquishers of Handsome Jack. You may be good, but I am the greatest fighter who ever lived! I will open the Vault myself, and you will get the hell out of MY arena._ "

"Over my dead body!" Salvador bellowed, before suddenly, a blast of green, pungent gas erupted from vents all over the arena.

As Salvador collapsed, I sniffed. I recognised that distinctive smell. "Harmstrong Gas?"

" _Oh, you're good, Doctor Snyder. I've turned off the cameras, and the audience has had their view blocked. They're protected by a force-field, you see, one that can turn opaque if necessary. Hyperion's going to get the blame for this, along with their patsies: you. Now, breathe deep, and pass out, like the good little cowards you are_ …"

As I sagged to the ground, the darkness eating away at my vision, my last conscious thought was that my alternative hypothesis was confirmed: Piston was a bastard. And he would regret showing his hand so early…well, energy cannon thingy…

 **CHAPTER 2 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **And there you have it. I know this was published rather quickly after the first chapter, but I was already halfway through it when I published the first chapter.**

 **I'm beginning a running gag of Snyder being interrupted during his speech whenever he enters the Sci-Zone. Darkstar248 gave me the idea when he said he was cringing every time Snyder says 'For Science!', and wondered what would happen if someone interrupted him.**

 **It might be a while before the next chapter, or it might not be. Depends on the inspiration.**

 **Oh, and by the way, obviously I don't own the music or lyrics to** ** _Who is the Doctor?_** **. I dunno who the lyrics were by, but Jon Pertwee sang it.**

 **1\. The series** ** _Blue Box Adventures_** **is an ersatz version of** ** _Doctor Who_** **mentioned in Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep, when asking questions to prove Torgue's geek credentials. I thought it'd be interesting to discuss whether the two are related, and both exist in the** ** _Borderlands_** **universe.**

 **2.** ** _Doctorin' the TARDIS_** **is debatably one of the most famous pop-songs ever to be based off the** ** _Doctor Who_** **theme song. It is also one of the cheesiest songs ever done, being a hybrid of a Gary Glitter song and the theme tune. You've probably heard it, or heard someone singing it.**


	4. Chapter 3: G'day, Mates!

**CHAPTER 3:**

 **G'DAY, MATES!**

We woke (much to our surprise) in a grotty backstage area of the arena, Torgue screaming questions in our ear (part of the general ECHO broadcast rather than specifically to us). Why we were still alive, we had no idea. But as we made our way out, a group of bikers allied with Torgue attacked us. Or rather, allied with Piston, I thought.

We found a ventilation shaft that led outside. And Torgue began howling, " _What the hell? Ladies and gentlemen, the Vault Hunters have disappeared from the arena! I don't know…where the f*** did they go?!_ "

And then, Piston appeared. " _Lemme educate you Torgue. The Vault Hunters ran away. They found out that they had to fight me, Piston, to become the number one badass on Pandora, and they ran away, like a little baby._ "

You could feel the tempers spike in everyone present. Even me. I was no longer in the Sci-Zone, but I felt a really strong urge to vivisect that smug, cybernetic son of a bitch.

" _Ran away?!_ " Torgue howled in dismay. " _THIS IS A TRAVESTY! I've got no choice. As the head of the Torgue Tournament, I have no choice, but to officially dub the Vault Hunters…COWARDS!_ "

"Bullshit!" Lilith snarled. She began stabbing at buttons, until she finally got a connection to Torgue. "Now, you listen to me, you overly-muscled moron, I…"

" _Quieten down!_ " Torgue snarled back. " _Listen, this is a private line, Lilith. I know you guys ain't cowards. You're probably the most badass people in all of Pandora! I just went along because it was a great twist for TV! You're still gonna need a new sponsor to participate in the tournament, though. And I know for a fact that there's one in the Beatdown._ "

"We'd better find somewhere to stay for the night," Angel said. "It's getting late." And indeed it was. And I for one didn't fancy our chances in the dark, not with all those bandits around.

"Luckily, I know someone," Athena said. "Torgue, you didn't have to declare us cowards."

" _Yes I did! THE AUDIENCE LOVE IT! MEEDLY-MOW! The struggle of the underdog, called a coward by the champ, MADE TO STRIVE TO THE TOP! MEEDLY-MOW, MOW, MOW!_ " And with that, Torgue cut off the connection.

"…I dunno what I hate him more for," I muttered. "Calling us cowards publicly, or those guitar solos."

"Technically, Piston was the one who did that, Ricky. Besides, Torgue's out of your reach. He's in orbit, remember?" Angel pointed out. Then, a smirk came over her face. "Of course, he isn't out of mine. I'm not going to do anything too bad to him. Just shut down the toilets on his spaceship for half a day. And lacing his next protein drink from his personal dispenser with a potent laxative."

Lilith blinked, before grinning, and putting her arm around her fellow Siren's shoulders. "Angel, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you had a very evil mind. You and Ricky…I love the way you think when it comes to revenge."

Maya raised an eyebrow. "I don't know. Torgue's so full of shit, do you reckon he'll shrink away to nothing?"

"It's a sacrifice I'm willing to make," I said as Gaige laughed her guts out.

"Come on," Athena said. "We've got little time to waste." I still noticed a slight smile quirking at her features, even as we headed away from the arena. Nice to see that she had a decent sense of humour.

However, a thought occurred to her, and she turned back to me. "By the way, Doctor Snyder, try not to mention Stephanie to Janey. The reason why they're no longer together is that Kraggons attacked them, and Stephanie died from her wounds. I don't want Janey getting hurt, okay?"

I nodded. Athena's warning had a hidden threat. She didn't want her lover getting hurt.

* * *

The place to stay turned out to be a mechanic's station not far from a place called the Badass Crater Bar. And two people were talking to each other as we entered.

"…and then, Snyder just sent him a Rick-Roll," the man with very familiar features said. However, I knew that the man with Handsome Jack's features was not Handsome Jack. He was no longer wearing the mask, and unlike Jack, he had no scar burnt deep into his face. An old university friend, Tim Lawrence, made into a body double of Handsome Jack.

 **TIM LAWRENCE AS**

 **JACK'S BODY DOUBLE**

 **The Hero Jack Should Have Been.**

The young woman standing opposite clutched her stomach as she laughed uproariously. "Oh, gawd, that's hilarious! Tell me, does he still yell 'For Science' whenever he goes into the Sci-Zone?"

"I dunno, Little Janey," I said. "Do you still speak like Crocodile Dundee's sister?"

Janey Springs whirled to face me. She still had those same rugged trousers and boots, vest and midriff-baring tank top. Not to mention a bandanna. I noticed a few burn scars, though, that were definitely new. I guessed that was from the attack that had killed Stephanie. Short blonde hair in a tomboyish cut. A band-aid across her almost pixie-ish nose. There was something elfin about her, albeit in a very rugged way.

"G'day, mates!" she called out. "Nice to meet ya!"

 **JANEY SPRINGS AS**

 **THE GEARHEAD**

 **More Endearing Than Scooter, At Least.**

"Janey…" I said.

"Hey, Dick," she said, cheerfully. A few people turned to me, wondering whether I would be annoyed, but Janey was probably the only person who could call me Dick with any affection. We hadn't actually been friends per se, but given that I had few at school anyway, she wasn't that far off it. "Gawd, long time no see, eh?"

"Yeah. Long time no see."

"Well, Athena, aren't ya gonna introduce me to these folks? I'm surprised that snake Blake needed you to watch them. They look pretty badass to me," Janey said, switching her attention to her lover.

"Very well. You've met Lilith before, albeit briefly," Athena said, indicating Lilith.

"Of course I did," Janey said with a broad smile. "One of the first Vault Hunters, and a Siren too. Heard from Athena you scarred Jack's face. Good on ya. The guy was an arsehole."

"Thanks," Lilith said with a smile.

"This enigmatic gentleman with the sword is Zer0," Athena continued, indicating the black-clad assassin. "This girl is Gaige."

"Oh, yeah! I followed your ECHO logs," Janey said. "Can I have a look at your Deathtrap?"

Gaige grinned. "Sure!"

"Moving along, this fellow is Salvador, and this rather unique individual is Krieg."

Janey nodded. "Nice to meet ya!"

"I hope so," Krieg said, his sane persona in charge. "The big guy…another personality, he's a bit boisterous."

Tim frowned. "Wait, Krieg's alive? When did this happen?"

"We'll discuss it later, Tim," Lilith said.

"Anyway, you know Dr Snyder. This one is Maya, a Siren. And this is Angel Clarke, a Siren as well as the daughter, and former slave, of Handsome Jack. She's also Dr Snyder's wife."

"Oh, wow!" Janey said, walking forward, and goggling at Maya and Angel. "Three Sirens under the same roof! That's like old Merriff Meredith(1) telling the truth for a whole day! And you're the daughter of Handsome Jack?"

"I wish he wasn't," Angel said.

"Yeah, can't blame ya," Janey said. She jabbed a thumb at Tim. "Now there's a guy who's more like what your father should've been like."

"Hey, speaking of which, Tim," Lilith said, stepping forward, "where's Moxxi? Or Tina for that matter?"

Tim suddenly looked very uncomfortable, before he said, "Well, Tina decided she wanted some space. She's in a trailer near the Beatdown. I visit her daily at least. Moxxi, well, she went to the Beatdown yesterday to try and negotiate a settlement with Pyro Pete. His Burners attacked the Badass Crater Bar. Haven't heard back from her since."

"So Moxxi's in trouble?" Angel asked.

"Moxxi usually _is_ trouble, not in trouble," Lilith pointed out. "Pyro Pete must've ganked her. Wait…didn't Torgue say that our next potential sponsor is in the Beatdown?"

I blinked as I processed that. "Do you think he meant Moxxi?"

"Great," Athena remarked. "We've got to deal with yet another murderous idiot to get our sponsor. Why is nothing ever easy?"

"Because it's Pandora," Maya pointed out. "A good chunk of the population are murderous idiots."

Salvador grumbled something very uncomplimentary in Spanish. Krieg, meanwhile, bellowed, "THEIR VERY ABUNDANCE IS WHAT MAKES THEM SO FUN TO KILL!" And then, the sane Krieg was back. "Okay, calm down big guy."

Tim blinked. "Wait, did Krieg just talk to himself?"

"Again, we'll discuss it later," Lilith replied.

* * *

As dinner approached, I noticed Lilith was keeping her distance from Athena, shooting the woman dirty looks. Eventually, she strode out. With Angel currently talking to Janey about my primary school years (like that time I did an embarrassing dance on stage), and Athena catching up with Tim, and the others otherwise occupied, I followed.

I found her standing near a Catch-a-Ride station. She didn't look like she wanted to leave, only that she wanted to be near something familiar. She looked up as I approached. I realised something I had never noticed before: her eyes glowed eerily in the evening light. "What do you want?"

"It's a long list," I said. "But I'll settle for knowing why you keep giving Athena stink-eye. Last I heard, you two got on fine enough. Didn't she help you stop Knoxx and the Crimson Lance five years back?"

"You know nothing," she said, turning away from me.

"Yeah, that's right, I don't know what's going on. And I don't like it. I'm a scientist, not knowing stuff pisses me off. Is it because she's working for Hyperion? Last I checked, you're able to cope with me and Angel working for them without giving us glares. Or is it because she worked with Wilhelm and Nisha, under Jack during that whole Elpis bullshit? Correct me if I'm wrong, but so did Tim and Claptrap, and you had no problems with them being in Sanctuary."

She whirled to face me, glaring, her yellow eyes glowing, before she eventually looked down. "Maybe…if she had joined the Crimson Raiders, or else had defected to us after that whole Elpis fiasco…I've made my peace with people who worked for Jack. Tim helped that, as did you and Angel. But…she should have joined us. I'm still angry with her because she's continuing to be a mercenary, rather than fighting for a cause."

"Says the woman who used to call herself a mercenary scientist," I remarked sardonically. "Seriously, you, Mordecai, Roland, Brick…how many of you came to find the Vault out of good intentions? You may have had the best of them, sure, in that you wanted to learn more about Sirens, but admit it: the Vault and the possible treasures were a lure. If what I gathered about you lot is correct, Roland was running from the Lance and looking for mercenary work, and both Mordecai and Brick were looking to basically loot anything they came across. You only started fighting for a cause because the Crimson Lance tried to take over Pandora. First Steele, then Knoxx. And that's without going into the Claptrap Revolution. And you thought your cause in the Crimson Raiders was the only one. You're still on good terms with Brick, for fuck's sake. Brick, a man who enjoys violence in the same way I enjoy _Doctor Who_."

"And what about you? What cause did you believe in, Richard?" Lilith asked archly. "A 9 to 5 job? Working for a corporation?"

"Do you know what I wanted, Lilith?" I asked, irritated by her admittedly intelligent question. "I was ostracized for having the Sci-Zone. You once told me kids picked on you because of those markings of yours, the Phase-Organ. Angel was too. I wanted to help humanity, and fill in the gaps of human knowledge. My work on Eridium toxicology was meant to help people, to lay the groundwork for treatment." I scoffed. "And look where it went. Nowhere."

"Says the man who developed a treatment for skull-shivers," Lilith pointed out, ironically proving my point about my cause. "Overlook owes their lives to the drug you developed."

"You know how many lives were lost? Five. My parents died of skull-shivers, and three security guards died during my subsequent Sci-Zone rampage, because of me experimenting on them. Okay, they were dickheads. But even so…" I sighed. "I wanted to help humanity. And I wanted to do it without the Sci-Zone. I wanted to be more than the monster and freak others saw me as. Lilith, you want to know why Athena pisses you off? I think I know why. Maybe it's because you think she should have done something about Jack. Or maybe it's because fundamentally, it's like looking into a mirror. She's what you used to be, in a way. Only caring about the next job. But she has Janey, who's a nice girl and may be able to keep her on the straight and narrow, and quite frankly, do you trust her not to betray us?"

For a time, Lilith was silent. Eventually, she said, "Yes. I'll give her that much. Just don't expect me to be friends."

"Hey, I wasn't expecting you to be friends with me, and yet, well…aren't we friends?"

Lilith gave me a look, before smiling. "Yeah, I guess. Pretty weird way to begin a friendship, though, with me punching you and beginning a fight to the death."

"Haven't a lot of comic book characters gotten into friendships that way?"

She laughed, before she saw something behind me. She frowned. "How long have you been listening?"

"Long enough," came the distinctive voice of Athena. I turned to find the former Lance Assassin walking towards us, her expression unreadable. Eventually, she said, "I won't apologise for working for Jack, or for Hyperion. I know you'll find it hard to countenance, Lilith, but until later in my employment with the man, he was a hero. But Doctor Snyder is right. Maybe I should have done something, besides walking away from Jack. I didn't walk away when Knoxx tightened his grip on Pandora."

"Actually, that was more Atlas. He hated the top brass," Lilith pointed out. Sighing, she said, "So, you wanna start over?"

Athena smiled. "Sure. Athena, former Lance Assassin, and currently mercenary for hire."

"Doctor Lilith Cashlin, mercenary scientist, Vault Hunter, and bounty hunter. Pleased to meet you."

The two shook hands, and in fact, I noticed a smile creep over Lilith's features. Hopefully, I just cleared the air between them. Better to work together willingly than unwillingly, after all…

 **CHAPTER 3 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Damn, I'm amazed at how quickly I finished that one. And we've just introduced Janey! Yay! I think she's a great character, even if she's basically a bit stereotypical in her Aussieness at times. Hence Snyder's facetious remark about her sounding like Crocodile Dundee's sister.**

 **Also, Torgue getting a bit of retribution for branding the Vault Hunters cowards, at least publicly. I like Torgue, don't get me wrong, but I didn't think my characters would be amused.**

 **By the way, in case you're wondering why I had this talk between Lilith and Snyder, it's because I wanted to explore why Lilith seems to be so murderous towards Athena in the Pre-Sequel. Given that she has made her peace with Snyder, Angel, and Tim, I wanted to look at another potential reason: she sees herself in Athena, before she gained a cause. And Athena didn't join their cause. That's a pretty petulant reason, but even though Roland is dead in canon, Lilith is pretty much a petulant bitch in the Pre-Sequel. That didn't sit well with me. Which is why I decided to explore the psychological reasons. Probably didn't do it as well as I could've, but eh.**

 **Now, I learned that in the Pre-Sequel, Moxxi engineers a situation where not only Jack, but the Vault Hunters working for him, nearly died. Now, Jack, Nisha, and Wilhelm certainly deserved death. But Tim? Claptrap? Athena? My thoughts are, upon reading that, is that Moxxi and Tim made up when he first came to Sanctuary, talking it out, and giving out mutual apologies.**

 **By the way, the next chapter will be another talkie one. I want to have Snyder and Janey catching up, as well as a discussion of the events of the Pre-Sequel. It probably won't come for a little while, though. Unless you're lucky.**

 **1\. The Merriff's full name is Huxter T Meredith.**


	5. Chapter 4: The Gift

**CHAPTER 4:**

 **THE GIFT**

"…And then, he just wiped them out. All of them," Athena said, in quiet disgust. You could see the anger dancing in her eyes as she related the events of how Jack shut down the Claptrap line. "Nisha and Wilhelm were laughing their heads off, as you'd guess. Lady Hammerlock had a bit of a smirk, but Tim looked ill. And I…just walked away. I'm amazed that Claptrap survived all that."

Athena had just finished her tale of the whole saga involving the Elpis Vault, not to mention the obtaining of the H-Source. It put a whole new sheen on Jack's evil, though I had heard some of this before already from Tim and Claptrap. But they hadn't told me the details of Moxxi, Roland, and Lilith betraying Jack, merely mentioning the betrayal, and not the details beyond the destruction of the Eye of the Destroyer. True, the Eye of the Destroyer did need to be destroyed, and Jack, Nisha, and Wilhelm deserved to be killed in the process, even at that point. But did Tim? Did Claptrap? Did Athena? Lady Hammerlock was a debatable case, as I didn't know her well enough to make such a judgement.

"That's fucked up," I offered, in the silence that followed.

"What're you thinking, Ricky?" Angel asked, noticing the dark expression on my face.

"Many things. But one of the biggest is that I'm going to have to talk with Moxxi when we rescue her at the Beatdown," I muttered darkly.

"Richard…" Lilith said warningly.

"Lilith, I'm a little angry at you at the moment," I said quietly. "You nearly murdered one of my few friends during that BS. There's assassinating pricks like Jack, and then there's collateral damage. You know, like Zarpedon? The bitch you were trying to stop? Only difference was the scale. Yes, the Eye of the Destroyer needed to go bye-bye. Yes, Jack was already a Grade-A bastard who needed to die. It could have been me amongst those scientists he flushed out of the airlock. But Tim? Claptrap? Athena? At least Roland actually apologised before that all went down. And when I say talk with Moxxi, I don't mean screaming angry expletives at her. I just want her to know how badly she disappointed me. I thought of her as a friend, and yet, if she did something like this…"

"Rich," Tim said quietly. "It's okay. When I first got to Sanctuary and had to hide out at Moxxi's bar, it was a bit awkward at first. But she apologised to me. We talked it out, and then, well, one thing led to another, and that's when you barged in."

"Were you two at it like rabbits?" Janey asked with a wry smile.

Tim spluttered indignantly, but I laughed, and said, "No, they were making out and fondling each other. They hadn't quite hit a home run. It was kind of sweet, actually."

"Rich!" Tim yelped indignantly.

Athena smiled. "Actually, Janey here, if what Moxxi told me was true, used to pursue Moxxi. Moxxi got a bit weirded out."

"Hey! It wasn't like I was stalking her!" Janey said indignantly. "I was interested!"

"You weren't anything like that Myron guy," Tim said. "Remember him, Athena? How he wanted us to find his wife when she went missing? How it turned out that Deidre and her twin ran rival Scav gangs, and he didn't know it? Oh, and he was a creepy stalker and control freak who wanted the wedding anniversary to be a suicide pact?"

Athena shuddered at the thought. "Ugh, don't remind me(1)," she said.

"Wait, wait, wait…" I muttered. "Myron Harris? I think I knew him. Well, my parents did. Said he was a Grade-A nutbag who stalked my mother in high school. My dad decked him once."

"D'you mean punched him?" Gaige asked.

"Yeah, though he also dropped a box of storage decks on his head. That's part of the reason they had to join Hyperion: Myron's family was more loaded than a Scav weapon's magazine, and it was almost the only way they could avoid the lawsuit. Did he die?"

Tim nodded. "Yeah, we killed Deidre's twin. She claimed Maureen was the nutter of the family, so we killed her. Myron offed himself. And Deidre…surprisingly didn't stab us in the back. She paid us and sent us on our way with a thank you. Hey, Janey, any idea what happened to her?"

"Last I heard, she's still running a Scav gang on Elpis," Janey said. "One of the more sane ones, admittedly."

I nodded, before another thing came to mind. Something I really should have discussed at the start. "Wait…at the start…look, I remember Tim and Claptrap telling me about it, but you saw an alien of some kind?"

"Yeah," Athena said, nodding. "It just stopped our bullets in mid-air with a gesture. Actually chided us like we were children. Seriously, it said 'Naughty!' In English, though Claptrap claims he heard it in binary code. We were, understandably, more than a little freaked out. Zarpedon called it the Watcher in some ECHO logs we found, and, well, it's as good a name as any."

"Actually, I talked to Tannis about that some time ago," Tim admitted. "And she showed me some pictures of some statues in the ruins she had excavated. The alien may very well have been an Eridian."

This caused a wave of interest around the table. Lilith and Athena were the only ones who didn't look surprised. Even Zer0 projected a 'WTF?' hologram on his helmet. "And you didn't tell us?" Angel demanded.

"Roland and I kept it on a need-to-know basis," Lilith said. "Technically, you didn't need to know," she added, favouring Tim with a pointed look.

"But if that alien was helping Zarpedon try to destroy the Vault on Elpis, with all the collateral damage that would have ensued, what's to stop it from trying again?" I demanded.

"We thought that too, until we realised, it's had a lot more opportunities to do so by now," Lilith said. "Maybe it thought Zarpedon went too far: she nearly wiped out all life on both Pandora and Elpis. Maybe it's trying a less direct approach. If it is an Eridian, then why did it want the Vault on Elpis destroyed? It's not like we can ask it."

Almost on cue, an eerie, ethereal chuckle seemed to fill the night. I started. And I saw the others do so too, even Athena. When you spook one of the top assassins and mercenaries on Pandora, you know something's gone wrong.

"Did you hear that? Or was that just me?" Gaige asked.

"The question is," I murmured, "is not _if_ we heard that sound…but _what_ we heard. Please tell me we haven't got a case of ' _speak of the devil, and he's at your shoulder_ '."

"As that old ECHO series said, the night is dark and full of terrors," Athena said, getting to her feet and putting her Aspis shield on her arm.

"If it's some bandit playing silly buggers, I call dibs," I said, getting to my feet. "I'm gonna go all Mr Hyde on his arse."

We went to the door of the garage, and opened it. Nobody was present in the dark, even with a substantial amount of light spilling out. I happened to look down, and saw a disc of metal winking in the light. "Hey, anyone drop a coin?" I asked, as I bent down to pick it up.

"Wait, don't!" Athena yelled. But it was too late.

Just before I touched the coin, or whatever it was, I noticed that it had a V on it. Except, as the pain began, and darkness once more ate at my vision, I knew that it wasn't a V. It was the inverted V of the Vault symbol.

Pain flooded my brain, and the last thing I saw before everything went black was the sight of the coin seemingly melting into my hand. The last thing I heard was Angel screaming my name.

* * *

The first thing I became aware of was nothingness and void. You could call it darkness, but darkness tended to have shapes lurking within. This darkness was textured, but almost absolute otherwise. It was like a presence, like drowning at the bottom of an abyssal trench, deep within the ocean.

There wasn't silence, either. A sort of wind blew gently through my mind. I heard it, but I did not feel it. And yet, it was less a wind, and more like some sort of susurration, of voices and whispers continually speaking and whispering and muttering.

I sighed, annoyed. "Am I dead? I don't know. I don't feel dead." I scowled. "If this is what being dead feels like, _then being dead sucks!_ (2)"

A faint, ethereal chuckle wafted from the void. Then, an androgynous voice, warped and flanging, wafted from the dark. " _It is true that the Binding may very well have killed you, Doctor Richard Snyder. Most would have perished. But Vault Hunters are not most people._ "

"Who said I was a Vault Hunter?" I demanded. "And who are you? How do you know my name?"

Another eerie chuckle. " _You are a Vault Hunter because that is the path you walk. You walk alongside Vault Hunters, you fight alongside them. Your consort is one who is connected to us. For what are these Sirens if not our successors? As for knowing your name, well, that is easy. Your name IS all over the ECHOnet after all._ "

I cursed. Whoever the owner of the voice was, they had a point. I was fairly well-known all over the ECHOnet now. Hell, I even had a Chuck Norris-style webpage, much to my annoyance. Even worse were the image macros. Someone had managed to find an old picture of me working in a lab, and put in the caption, 'I CAN HAZ SCIENCE?' And that one was merely annoying.

"Even so, I get the feeling there's more to that," I said, thinking out loud. "So can you quit with the mysterious and enigmatic bullshit, and show yourself?"

Yet another chuckle danced from the darkness. " _But where is the fun in that? A scientist, a seeker of truth and knowledge, left in the darkness, fumbling for answers. It's quite amusing. But I will put you out of your misery. In truth, you are very lucky. I believe that it is your illness, the one you call the Sci-Zone, that prevented you from dying, or from suffering any brain damage._ "

Suddenly, the darkness seemed to shimmer and ripple, and suddenly, I was on a snowy peak, Eridian ruins everywhere. I recognised the place, though I hadn't actually been there. I recognised it from photos taken of the area. This was where the Vault of the Destroyer had been.

I was standing on a stone dais, the one where the Vault Key had been inserted. And then, I realised there was a presence behind me. I turned, slowly, to find it standing there, an elaborate, alien halberd in its hand.

It was vaguely insectoid, slender, with the body bending in the wrong ways. I couldn't tell if the carapace was its skin, or armour, or even both. It was elaborate, and bizarrely beautiful. It was like a mash-up of insect and bird in many ways, the head covered with a blank mask. It resembled the statues of Eridians that had populated the Eridian ruins.

" _My true name is meaningless to one such as you_ ," the being said, " _but Zarpedon dubbed me the Watcher, and you may call me by that name._ "

 **THE WATCHER AS**

 **THE ENIGMA**

 **What. The. Fuck?!**

I blinked. So many things were rushing through my head. So many things I wanted to ask it. It was clearly alien. So many things I could ask. So many questions, even if the answers could potentially be deflected with obtuse and enigmatic answers.

So I foolishly and fatuously blurted, "Are you going to help Tom Baker turn into Peter Davison?(3)"

The Watcher looked at me for a moment. Even though its body language was utterly alien, I could tell that I had confused it. Eventually, it said, " _What_."

 _Shit_ , I thought to myself. "Umm, never mind. Still trying to process things. Like having a mental connection to a bloody _alien_. It's a bit overwhelming. Not sure whether I'm crazy. Well, more than I already am."

For a moment, once more, we stood there in silence, the Watcher watching me, and me watching the Watcher. And that sentence was officially messed up.

"… _Maybe I was wrong about the brain damage_ ," the Watcher said quietly.

 **CHAPTER 4 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Dun, dun, DUNNNN! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Watcher has made an appearance. I'm hoping that it will work out. And yes, that is the creature that makes an appearance in the Pre-Sequel. I was originally intending to have the artifact and the Watcher's appearance happen at the end of the Torgue tournament, having it hidden within the Vault, but I decided to write it in earlier.**

 **My little rant as Snyder against Moxxi's actions came when I read up on the story of the Pre-Sequel. I knew Moxxi betrayed Jack and his Vault Hunters, but putting all of them in mortal danger? Okay, I won't say that's unlike Moxxi: she did host the Underdome, for one thing. But even so…well, there will be some tension between Snyder and Moxxi. Nothing major. He's a good friend of Tim, and he's taken offence at Moxxi trying to kill him.**

 **1\. This was one of the last missions I played in my most advanced playthrough of the Pre-Sequel. I was amused at the twists and turns, though I wondered how much of it was Deirdre BSing the player characters. Of course, assuming she was telling the truth about Myron, the phrase 'two birds with one stone' springs to mind.**

 **2\. A reference to what Gordon Freeman yells while in the darkness during the Resonance Cascade in episode 3 of** ** _Freeman's Mind_** **. If you like** ** _Half-Life_** **, watch it. It's funny as hell.**

 **3\. The Watcher was also the name of a mysterious entity seen throughout the Fourth Doctor's last story in** ** _Doctor Who_** **. Throughout** ** _Logopolis_** **, the Doctor and his companions encounter a mysterious, white-clad humanoid with no real features. It turns out that the Watcher is a sort of inter-regeneration Doctor, sent to guide the Doctor to his next regeneration, as well as ease the difficult regeneration.**


	6. Chapter 5: BS, Bad Acting, and Buxomness

**CHAPTER 5:**

 **BS, BAD ACTING, AND BUXOMNESS**

For a time, we stood there in silence on that snow-strewn peak. Eventually, I broke it. "So, what did you do to me, exactly?"

" _You are a scientist. You are capable of putting together the pieces_ ," the Watcher said. " _Unless you really HAVE suffered brain damage. Which is still a possibility._ "

"If I wanted a snarky alien, I'd rather talk to the Doctor," I remarked acidly. Nonetheless, I said, thinking out loud, "The coin thing…it was an Eridian artifact. Somehow, it melded with me, gave me the ability to talk with you, telepathically, for want of a better term. But why me?"

" _It was…a mistake_ ," the Watcher admitted. " _The artifact was actually designed to fuse with a Siren, and it was emitting a signal intended to lure a Siren. In fact, only a Siren should have seen it, normally. However, I made a mistake while leaving it. I laughed during your discussion about me…_ "

"So it was you," I muttered. "Why? Why are you stalking us?"

Before the creature could answer, I heard Angel's voice. "Ricky? Ricky! Can you hear me now?"

"Angel? Yeah, I can hear you." I looked at the Watcher. "I think we'd better make this a conference call, don't you? I mean, it could have been her that you just gave a phone to."

"Ricky, who are you talking to?" Angel said, appearing in front of me. She then turned to face the Watcher, and jumped. "Holy shit!" she yelled. She didn't swear often, a hangover of her time under the thumb of Jack, but then again, coming face to face with an alien was a moment that could involve a lot of expletives.

" _The daughter of Handsome Jack. A bird, freed from her cage_ ," the Watcher said. " _And capable of joining this private conversation, it seems._ "

"I put a program into his head long ago. The neurological changes caused by what makes Ricky go into the Sci-Zone are all that make it possible. Are you that Watcher alien Athena and Tim mentioned?"

" _Of course_ ," the Watcher said. " ** _What_** _I am exactly does not concern you. What I need you for, along with the other Vault Hunters, is another matter entirely._ "

"Wait, this sounds familiar," Angel said. "Oh, wait, it's like what was on the script Dad wrote for me when I contacted the original Vault Hunters."

" _And what happened when the Vault of the Destroyer was opened?_ " the Watcher asked. " _Which your father knew would happen. And you did too._ " It sighed. " _I would blame humans, but there are many amongst my own kind who would have done the same, even knowing the power of the Destroyer._ "

"And what are your kind? The Eridians?" I asked.

" _Now that would be telling._ " I didn't know whether the Watcher was just being coy, or whether there was more to Eridian society than Tannis or anyone else knew. Was this being an Eridian, or one of their constructs, or another species entirely? " _Humanity even now believes the Vaults to be Eridian caches of weapons. But the term means many things in the ancient tongue. Arsenal. Prison. Containment. The Destroyer and the Warrior…they were weapons of incomparable power that had to be locked away. Do you think humanity's meddling has not gone unnoticed? War is coming, and the Vault Hunters will be on the front lines when it comes._ "

"War?" Angel and I yelped simultaneously.

" _Indeed. It is still some way off, but no less inevitable for it. The meddling of Atlas and Jack in matters that should be long buried has stirred up dangers you are still ill-suited to oppose. Finish this tournament. Spill the blood of the coward Piston. I have seen into his soul. The only reason why he avoided killing you is that he doesn't want the wrath of the other Vault Hunters on his head. Better he brand them as cowards, instead of risking the wrath of the Crimson Raiders. He also wants you to kill off his only competition, or else have them kill you(_ _1)_."

"Well, that's a decision he'll regret making," I said.

" _I have no doubt. Once this Vault is opened, I will contact you again. Goodbye, Doctor Snyder, and Angel. We will speak again…_ "

* * *

I sat bolt upright as consciousness returned to me. I was surrounded on all sides by concerned faces. "Well…" I said, "that just happened."

"What just happened?" Lilith demanded.

I looked at my hand, the one that the Eridian artifact had melted into. It looked normal now, thankfully. "Weird shit. We were just talking to the Watcher."

"The alien thing?" Tim yelped. "You were speaking to it?"

" _We_ were," Angel said, rubbing her head. "And it was bloody unhelpful and enigmatic, save for some rather disturbing things."

"Then let's hear them," Lilith commanded, putting her hands on her hips.

* * *

Lilith crossed her arms, and frowned after Angel and I recited what we were told. "Well, that's fucking ominous," she said with considerable understatement. "Not to mention unhelpful, like you said, Angel. The damn thing said war was coming, and that we would need to fight it. And that the Vaults opening have attracted the attention of some power that's a threat to us. Ominous, but cryptic."

"It called Sirens its successors," I muttered.

"I dunno about that, but the Guardians in the Elpis Vault let me through without a fight. Strange that the ones at the Vault of the Destroyer didn't, but perhaps they were trying to help me stop Jack," Lilith mused.

"And that worked out well," Tim muttered.

"Retrospect is great,

But regrets gnaw at the heart.

Think not of the past."

Zer0's latest haiku received a nod from Maya. "He's right. We all have things from the past we'd like to change, but we can't. It's what we do in the now that matters."

"So," Gaige said, clearly trying to change the mood for the better, "we're still going to go to the Beatdown, kick Pyro Pete's ass, and get Moxxi out of there?"

"Well, yeah," Lilith said, as if it was obvious.

"Excellent!" Salvador cheered. "I was getting sick and tired of waiting for this jabber to finish!"

* * *

Tim and Janey stayed behind when we left for the Beatdown the next morning. Tim had to look after Moxxi's bar in her absence, and Janey needed to keep an eye on the garage. It was nice to meet her again, frankly. During breakfast, she actually talked to me a little bit, even discussing the end of Stephanie at the claws of Kraggons. I sympathised. I had only met Steph briefly, when I last saw Janey. Stephanie was an electronics wiz, helping Janey fix some of the electronic gear they had salvaged from the surface of Elpis.

She told me that shortly before the whole Elpis fiasco, and shortly after the death of her lover, Janey fell afoul of a Scavenger leader by the name of Deadlift, a childish, hammy hulk of a man who propositioned her. Even after she reminded him that she was strictly interested in women, he persisted. After she attacked him and left, he destroyed the bridge to Concordia out of spite, and stole a digistruct key to prevent her getting back to Concordia. Thankfully, her store in Concordia could look after itself, and Janey's base in Ozless Harbour was also fairly self-sufficient. For all her toughness in dealing with the Kraggons and the hostile environment on Elpis, she was no fighter. Not enough to go up against Deadlift's Scavs, anyway. She could fight off a few Scavs or Kraggons, true. But not an entire horde of them.

We made our way to the Beatdown, where Torgue did some unnecessary exposition, about how Pyro Pete was the number four ranked on the leaderboards, and his kidnapping our new sponsor was a big coincidence. I hoped it was a big coincidence, because if Torgue set up the kidnapping of Moxxi just to give the audience a good show…

" _By the way, I'm not feelin' too hot at the moment!_ " Torgue said. " _Came down with a bad case of the runs! HAD TO RUN FROM TOILET TO TOILET, AND THEY WERE ALL OUTTA ORDER! MY SPACECRAFT LOOKS LIKE OOMPA-LOOMPAS SPILLED CHOCOLATE ALONG THE FLOORS! ONLY STINKING MUCH, MUCH WORSE!_ "

"TMI, Torgue," Gaige said, wrinkling her nose.

" _KIDS THESE DAYS AND THEIR INCOMPREHENSIBLE SLANG!_ " Torgue roared. Then, he signed off.

"Well, looks like your prank worked," Maya remarked to Angel. "Shame Torgue just put that horrid image into our heads."

Angel shrugged. "Mr Freeeeeman, you should prepare for unintennnnded consequencessss…" she said in her best impression of the G-Man. It was frankly rather creepy.

And then, Piston made himself known, using an ECHO broadcast. At the end of a sneering diatribe, he muttered, " _How the mighty have fallen._ "

Torgue, however, called up again. " _Even with the whole 'coward' thing, you're still the number five badass on the leaderboard, and Piston's number one. Just kill your way up the list, then whip out your heroism, and slap him in the FACE with it!_ "

"…Will we get arrested for indecent exposure?" I snarked.

Torgue had nothing to offer to that. But finally, Pyro Pete called us up. He chuckled, before saying in a creepy, half-insane voice, " _Ooh, it's the cowards. You're gonna burn! Burn burn BURN!_ "

He had more to say, but I intervened. "Yeah, yeah, yada yada. Look, one, is your theme by Arthur Brown?"

"… _Who the fuck is Arthur Brown?_ "

I activated my music player, and chose a track from it. Almost immediately, Pyro Pete heard the screamed introduction of _Fire_.

 _I am the God of Hellfire!_

 _And I bring you…_

 _Fire! I'll take you to burn._

 _Fire! I'll take you to learn._

 _I'll see you burn!_

I turned off the music player. "You like?" I said.

You could almost hear the grin in Pyro Pete's voice. " _I_ _ **like!**_ _For a coward, you have great taste in music. Ooh, I'm burning up inside, and that music helps. Maybe I'll make it my theme. You want a sponsor, yes? I have a warm one. But you must dance to MY tune first. Start some trouble in my bar. GO NOW, BEFORE THE FLAMES RISE!_ " And then, in a surprisingly more sane tone, he said, " _By the way, what was the song?_ "

" _Fire_ , by Arthur Brown," I said. "Real old school. Like, centuries old. First Pop Boom old."

" _Right, got it. Going onto the ECHOnet now for it._ " Then, he said in his creepy voice, " _And you're gonna_ _ **burn…**_ "

" _HIS GIMMICK IS THAT HE REALLY LIKES FIRE!_ " Torgue added. Then, the call ended.

"Snyder," Lilith said quietly, "are you actually _helping_ the deranged pyromaniac we're going to kill find a better soundtrack?"

"What? Got him to cut off what was probably a long monologue about burning things, right?" I said with a shrug.

"As much as I hate to admit it, he has a point," Athena said. "There was that Dahl underling of Zarpedon's, Flame-Knuckle, who basically introduced himself by yelling 'be cleansed with heat!'."

"Fire is cleansing, yes,

But ashes are a problem.

A bitch to clean up."

Zer0 followed up his haiku with another emoticon: **_:P_**.

"Whatever," Salvador said. "Are we gonna keep talking, or are we gonna kill this _cabron?_ "

"Some of us are interested in things other than killing, Salvador," Maya said pointedly.

"Which is why we get nothing done," Salvador pouted.

"Don't worry, Salvador," I said, with a sardonic grin. "People'll start shooting at you soon.(2)"

* * *

As it turned out, Pete wanted us to start a bar brawl in his bar, something Torgue, understandably, was ridiculously excited about. And once we started it, well…yeah. It got messy.

As we fought, I heard Torgue said, " _This fight reminds me of my dad. ALCOHOLISM DESTROYS FAMILIES!_ "

"Maybe you should put that on a T-shirt," Angel snarked, just before sending a couple of Rats flying with a thunderbolt.

Eventually, we were surrounded on all sides by the dead and the unconscious. And Torgue said, " _You finished Pyro Pete's bullsh**! Now, go talk to him, and he'll probably tell you he's gonna give you a sponsor, but then he'll betray you, and try to kill you, and you will have to kill him, AND IT WILL BE AWESOME! Anything you want to add, Pete?_ "

Pete's voice came back over the ECHO, sounding both annoyed and resigned. " _No. You, uh, covered it. Thanks. For that._ "

" _YOU ARE WELCOME!_ " Torgue howled.

We looked at each other as the connection cut off. Lilith then said, "Angel, what else can you do to make Torgue's life a misery?"

"I have an idea," Athena said. "Angel, do you have access to any ECHOnet ads for laser weapons? And can you stream them to Torgue's PA system for a few hours, at full volume?"

"Sure, why?" Angel asked.

"Well…Janey's a nice girl, but Torgue contacted us a few times to destroy her laser weapons. He has an irrational hatred of them because they don't explode. I'd say that this is cruel and unusual punishment, but, well…"

"Unusual, yes," Maya said. "Cruel? Well…no."

Lilith smirked at Athena. "You know something? I think I'm beginning to like you again, Athena."

* * *

As we descended a lift, Pyro Pete called us. " _Uhh, yes, so, the sponsor I kidnapped is down here. Go find her. This is not a trap. Yeah._ " The sad thing was, he was saying this in a very dull, disappointed tone.

"It's okay," Lilith said. "Torgue's getting punished for revealing spoilers. You just wanna give these guys a good show?"

"… _Ugh, I guess so. Frigging Torgue…Okay, let's do this._ "

As we descended into an arena, in some abandoned water treatment complex, Pyro Pete appeared, clad in admittedly impressive fire-proof garb that seemed reminiscent of Hyperion engineers' power-suits. Torgue, his gravitas (such as it was) ruined by the laser ads playing in the background, yelled, " _HERE WE GO, FIGHT FANS! IT'S PYRO PETE AND HIS BURNERS VERSUS THE VAULT HUNTERS! FIGHT!_ "

A small army of his Burners (the name for the gang he headed up) flanked Pyro Pete, who got his flamethrower gauntlets ready. "Wait a moment. Need my theme song." He adjusted his ECHO device, and the arena rang out to Arthur Brown. "Okay, there we go. Time to burn in hell."

 **PYRO PETE**

 **Loves Fire. Hates Spoilers.**

The Burners opened fire, and Athena yelled, "Behind me!" She held out her Kinetic Aspis as the bullets hit it. Then, she hurled it at Pete, sending the flamethrower-wielding man flying.

Salvador, Maya, and Zer0 did most of the work at that point, Salvador wielding his two guns at once, Maya using Phaselock, and Zer0 slicing and dicing. Really, the whole battle was anti-climactic.

Soon, all that was left was Pyro Pete, dazed from Athena's attack. Angel looked at him, a moue of concern touching her lips. "He's in no fit state to fight anymore," she said. "Do we have to kill him, Torgue?" she said, connecting to Torgue.

" _Normally, I'd say yes, but he and his crew went down like bowling pins! I dunno whether it's because you're so badass, or because he's such a wimp!_ "

"The former," Lilith said casually.

" _By the way, WHY ARE THESE F***ING LASER ADS STILL PLAYING?! THEY'RE SERIOUSLY ANNOYING! I F***ING HATE LASERS!_ "

"I dunno, Torgue, maybe your computer system has a malware infestation or something," Angel said, rather innocently.

As Torgue disconnected with a snarl, Pyro Pete looked up at us. "So…you're not going to kill me?" he asked woozily.

"Well, we could. But we're not going to. Just as long as we get the new sponsor. Besides, no shame in living to fight another day, especially without some idiot spouting spoilers," Lilith said.

"Sure, sure," Pyro Pete said. "Go ahead. By the way, you, the redhead."

"Me?" Lilith asked.

"No, not the babe. The scarecrow."

He meant me. "Yes?" I said, trying not to be annoyed.

"…Thanks for the theme tune."

* * *

We left Pyro Pete to recover there, and took a crane elevator to a sewer tunnel, which itself led to a room with a cell in it. I went to the controls of the cell door at once, and activated them.

The occupant was dressed, as she so often was, in a purple outfit that was basically a fetishized version of the Mad Hatter's costume. With her distinctive make-up, top hat, buxom figure and sexy strut, there was no mistaking who it was. Then Torgue had to go and…well, he didn't spoil it. As far as introductions were concerned, it was actually quite good. " _Now introducing the barbaric, the beautiful, the most buxom sponsor in the history of Pandora: MAD MOXXI!_ "

She smiled as she stopped in front of us. "Miss me, sugar?" she asked.

 **MAD MOXXI AS**

 **THE SEDUCTRESS**

 **Fighting and Flirting Are Her Specialties**.

 **CHAPTER 5 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **So, the Watcher has given Snyder and Angel enigmatic warnings, Pyro Pete has been defeated, and Moxxi has been rescued. Things are heating up, pun semi-intended.**

 **Now, sorry if the Pyro Pete fight and the outcome was rather anti-climactic. But I liked Pete as a character, and I thought I'd save his life. He still gets defeated, so the Vault Hunters go up a rank on the leaderboards, but Pete lives to fight another day.**

 **BTW, as mentioned in** ** _Hooked on a Feeling_** **, the lyrics are to** ** _Fire_** **by Arthur Brown, and I don't own the copyright. I used the song in Chapter 8 of that work.**

 **1\. I wondered why Piston didn't simply kill off the Vault Hunter(s) after gassing them. So I'm using these as reasons why.**

 **2\. This is a modification of similar lines in** ** _Doctor Who: Battlefield_** **. Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, after unintentionally offending both his successor, Brigadier Winifred Bambera, and the Doctor's latest companion, Ace, remarks to the Doctor "Oh dear. Women. Not really my field." The Doctor, rather cheerfully, says, "Don't worry, Brigadier. People will be shooting at you soon."**


	7. Chapter 6: Reconciliation and Cookies

**CHAPTER 6:**

 **RECONCILIATION AND COOKIES**

Fast-Travel meant that we got back to the garage, and Moxxi's Badass Crater Bar, in time to have lunch. But Moxxi couldn't help but notice the tension in the air, or at least with me, and I saw Lilith whisper in her ear. So, after a quick bite, she invited me out the back of the Badass Crater Bar.

Now, normally, when she does so, it's because she's considering some intimate action with someone. But intimacy wasn't on my mind, and she knew it. "Well?" she asked. "Lilith said you have a problem with me. Rick…why are you looking at me like that?"

"Helios Station. Sabotaging the Eye of the Destroyer. And nearly killing one of my best friends in the process," I said quietly.

She blinked. She wasn't expecting that. "Rick…what do you want me to say? That Jack should have kept the Eye of the Destroyer?"

"Of course not!" I snapped. "You and I both know that isn't the point! Were there any other ways that didn't nearly end with Tim getting sucked into a singularity? And Athena, for that matter? I didn't know her at the time, but she's a decent person. Or did you tar them with the same brush as Jack, Nisha, and Wilhelm?" Realising I was beginning to shout, I calmed myself with an effort. "Sorry, I just…I don't have many friends. And I think one friend trying to kill another…"

Moxxi at least had the decency to look a little ashamed. Eventually, she said, "You know what I said to Jack when I did it? That a lot of people were going to regret him coming down from Helios Station alive. And you know what? I fucking called it. My biggest regret is not managing to kill him. I'm sure Lilith regrets not doing so in the Elpis Vault either. But…I didn't know that Tim was your friend. And I saw anyone working with Jack as the enemy, even if they were decent people. I know how you feel. And please don't take that as me trying to soothe you with empty platitudes. I **_do_** know what it's like to have someone try to murder your best friend. I even know what it's like for someone to succeed. Jack murdered a number of my workers at the Underdome just before he destroyed it. He actually sent me video. So yes, I understand why you're angry. I won't apologise for what I intended to do. But in retrospect, it was how I did it…yes, I will apologise for that. I already did so to Tim."

"…Can you do so without…?" I indicated my face, and thus her own.

It said a lot about our relationship that she hesitated only for a moment. She then went over to the mirror, and grabbed some wipes. She then wiped the make-up off her face in practised strokes. When she turned to me next, the stylised make-up, vaguely doll-like, was gone.

I remembered the first time I had seen her face, free from make-up. It wasn't the best of circumstances: some drunken idiot had interrupted a little get-together we had at her bar in Sanctuary. He had said some foul names to her, and then splashed his drink in her face, removing much of the make-up. Tim, who had seen her without make-up before, had persuaded her to allow us to comfort her(1).

If anything, Moxxi was even more beautiful without make-up than with it on. You'd find it hard to believe that she had had two children, and had been the product of an incestuous redneck clan. And yet, she wore a mask (both literal, in the form of make-up, and metaphorical) to distance herself from her roots. Few people were trusted by her enough to see beneath the mask. In fact, if it weren't for Angel, I would happily fall in love with Moxxi, and not just for her good looks.

She met my eyes, her face bare of pretence both physical and emotional, and said, "I'm sorry, Rick."

"Thank you," I said. "And you know what? So am I. I just…I knew you for a longer time than I did Lilith, so it felt like I didn't know you at all when I found that out."

Moxxi smiled. "It's okay, Rick." She drew me into a hug. Then, afterwards, she said, "By the way, what happened to Krieg?"

"Long story."

"I guess it is," she mused. "But does that mean Jack and Nisha…?"

I shook my head. "…I don't know. But if Krieg and Steven survived, well, it's possible that they did too. Actually, we'd better fill you in on what's happened since we got to the Crater…"

* * *

Make-up reapplied, Moxxi emerged with me to discuss what was going on with the others. Krieg had been uncharacteristically quiet of late, I realised. Until he howled, "JAUNDICE-SACK AND THE MAD QUEEN ARE BACK!"

Angel, who knew why I wanted to see Moxxi, raised an eyebrow, deciding to tease me. "So, did she show you a good time?" she asked wryly.

"Angel, it wasn't like that," I said hurriedly.

"Maybe I should introduce the married couple to the idea of a threesome," Moxxi purred. She winced when she noticed that Janey was there, but as Janey was looking at Moxxi with polite expectation rather than desire or romantic interest, she decided to let it go for the moment.

She listened to our story with interest, including my mental encounter with the Watcher. After we finished, she said, "Well, we'll have to keep an eye on you, Rick. Remember that the Watcher was helping Zarpedon with her plan to destroy Elpis."

"Yes, but…why not finish the job?" I said. "Maybe its priorities have changed, thanks to what happened."

"True, but we don't know what the Watcher's plans are, only that it claims that a war is coming due to the opening of the Vaults, and that we have brought attention to ourselves. I'm not going to say ignore the warning. It wouldn't surprise me at all if it was telling the truth. But there's too many unknowns. Of more immediate concern is the tournament. As it happens, this is something of an opportunity for me. I got a lot of money from the cache of Captain Blade, even after we left most of it for Scarlett. But Torgue building an arena here…well, I think that I have an opportunity to acquire it after the tournament is over."

"Looking to make it into your new Underdome, Moxxi?" Lilith asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes. Of course, helping you guys stomp on Piston will also be immensely satisfying. He used to fight on occasion in the Underdome. Preferred to let others be his meat-shield, before swooping in and finishing the opponents off. Don't get me wrong, he's a formidable fighter. If he ever had to fight face to face, he's a powerful opponent. But he probably won't let you guys. Anyway, I've set up a trainer for you guys." Holding up a hand to forestall the protests, she said, "Yes, I know you don't need one. But it's for the audience."

"Who is it?" Maya asked.

Moxxi smirked. "Oh, you'll love it…"

* * *

Near the edge of the Beatdown was a trailer, the path to which was strewn with a number of gigantic bombs. I now knew what we were in for, and I didn't know whether to be scared, or elated.

As we approached the trailer, Torgue made himself known again, the laser ads now no longer in evidence in the background. " _Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the wild child, the Queen of Obscene, the girl who'll make you hurl…_ "

Suddenly, the door of the trailer blew off, narrowly missing me, and a most extraordinary figure emerged, chirping, "TA-DAAAAA!"

" _TINY TINA!_ " Torgue bellowed.

The girl who emerged had short blonde hair, dark-rimmed bulging eyes, a bandage across her nose, and a well-worn dress worn over trousers. A Psycho's mask adorned her hair in much the same way as a flower would adorn the hair of a different girl. She twitched and danced, full of demented energy.

I had to admit, I missed the crazy girl. Our first meeting was fairly fraught, given that Lilith sent me to babysit her as a test of character, but now, I liked to think of her, like Gaige, as a little sister I never had. Albeit an insane little sister with an explosives fixation and a tendency to electrocute people she hated during a tea party.

 **TINY TINA AS**

 **THE DEMOGIRL**

 **Cute. Cuddly. Crazy.**

"'Sup, bitches? Imma be your trainer. Right now, you like 'pow', but when I'm done with you, you gonna be like 'PIDDLY-POW!' Getcha butts to the arena, and let's do this shiz," she said.

"Nice to see you too, Tina," I remarked archly.

"Don' worry, Doc, we'll catch up when you get back. But fo' the moment, get goin'!"

* * *

We had to sneak into the arena through a back entrance. I dunno why Tina had us do this, at least until we entered, and she sent us some coordinates to our ECHOs. " _Step one of my training regimen is food. Youz gotsta get those carbs, girlz! 'Specially the Doc and Angel, 'coz you're like scarecrows! The back of the arena have vending machines with tons of noms for the workers. Get some cookies, so you can eat 'em and grow up big and strong, and kick Piston in the butt-butt._ "

Everyone looked at each other, with Zer0 summing up the mood perfectly, projecting **_WTF?_** on his helmet. It was then that I spoke up. "Tina…I'm no doctor or nutritionist, or exercise trainer, but if we're building up muscle, wouldn't we need protein?"

"Or anabolic steroids?" Salvador asked.

"WE NEED A RAW-EGG DRINK!" Krieg roared. Surprisingly, that was one of his more coherent outbursts. "AND A MONTAGE TO 'EYE OF THE TIGER'(2)!"

Tina scoffed. " _Real badasses eat chocolate chip cookies!_ " she snapped. " _Imma get that tattooed on my back in Old English Font._ "

Ah, yes. She said that before. Back when we first met.

It didn't take us long to find a cookie dispensing machine (I didn't think Torgue would be into that), and as Angel activated the machine, Tina squealed delightedly. " _Oh, snap! They got chocolate chip cookies? As a connoisseur of tasty treats, I can assure you chocolate chip cookies are for the real deal._ "

Angel handed me a cookie, and I bit into it. And that's when things went wrong. Because instead of the anticipated chocolate goodness…I tasted fruit.

Now, don't get me wrong. I eat my vegetables. I eat relatively healthily. But fruit I find it hard to stand. And unexpected fruit in my treats, well…I don't like.

The surge of annoyance triggered off the familiar sensation. So badly, I didn't even have time to decide whether I wanted to go into the Sci-Zone or not. Maya looked at me, and saw the familiar signs. "Heads up guys, Jekyll's turning into Hyde again."

"Do you think it was a mistake giving him any sugar?" Athena mused.

"Tina…" I said, rather calmly. "These aren't chocolate chips in the cookies. These…are… _raisins_."

There was a deadly silence on the other end. "… _What?_ "

I looked at the vending machine, and glared when I looked at the selection. "They're ALL raisins!"

After a brief pause, Tina wailed, " _WHHHHYYYYY?!_ " It was as if I had told her that Santa was not real (though for all I knew, she knew that already) and that Princess Fluffybutt (a princess doll with a grenade for a head) had exploded.

Athena facepalmed as Tina began to sob. "Dammit, Snyder, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

"Raisin cookies are an abomination!" I snapped, pointing at the food dispenser. "They must be destroyed, For Sci-!"

Athena interrupted me. "Utter one more syllable, and I will knock you out with the Aspis. Because otherwise, I will kill you, and I will forfeit the contract where I am supposed to be protecting you."

"GODDAMN IT, ATHENA, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST SCIENCE?!" I yelled.

"Nothing. I have a lot against loud, hammy idiots who get themselves killed because they loudly proclaim something or other," Athena said.

"Say that again! I am not an idiot! I have a doctorate! AND I could kill you with an attack in twenty different places!"

Athena had the temerity to roll her eyes at me. "So can I. Former Lance Assassin, remember?"

"Ricky, calm down!" Angel said. "We're meant to be _infiltrating_ this place, not blowing stuff up."

" _YES YOU ARE!_ " Tina suddenly yelled. " _NEW TRAINING REGIMEN: DESTROY ALL THE FOOD DISPENSERS! WIPE THE RAISIN ABOMINATIONS OFF THE MAP!_ "

"YES MA'AM!" I yelled, my cry echoed by Salvador and Krieg. Within a second, the food dispenser disintegrated under a hail of bullets. Alternative hypothesis confirmed: more dakka destroys things quicker. Not that I didn't know that already.

Everyone else (barring Gaige, who merely shrugged) facepalmed.

* * *

I decided to make the cookie dispenser destruction task more enjoyable and awesome by playing _Ozar Midrashim_ over the speakers, thanks to my ECHO device and my music player.

Torgue made himself known by declaring the destruction of the dispensers, and thus the starvation of his workers in some months, awesome. Despite the fact that there had to be other sources of food other than the dispensers. Tina, meanwhile, lamented that good things never happened to good people. Now, I was insane while I was in the Sci-Zone, but I wasn't going to point out that we all had rather dark pasts.

As we finished destroying the last dispenser, I screamed, in my best impression of Kain, " _VAE VICTUS!(_ _3)_ "

"Well, I guess that's appropriate," Lilith muttered.

"What? What did he actually say?" Salvador demanded.

"Woe to the conquered," spoke several voices simultaneously. Lilith and Maya, I shouldn't have been surprised at. Lilith I knew had learned some Latin phrases, and Maya was easily the most educated amongst us. Gaige, Angel, and Zer0 were surprising, but I guess they either knew of the _Legacy of Kain_ games, or else had seen it on the ECHOnet. Athena, given the Crimson Lance's fetish for all things Greco-Roman, may have known it from there. But Krieg?

Salvador blinked. "Then why the hell didn't you say that?"

"'Cause it's a reference, Salvador?" Lilith said. "He was channelling a homicidal vampire warrior. Ah, forget it. Tina, are we done here?"

Tina sniffed, and then said, " _Yeah. Come back to my pad. You've done the world a great service, meting justice on the crimes against nature that are raisin cookies._ "

Even as I came out of the Sci-Zone, I was smiling all the way back to the trailer. If there was one thing I agreed with wholeheartedly with Tina (though that list had more entries than you'd think), it was that raisin cookies deserved to die.

 **CHAPTER 6 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **A bit of drama with Snyder and Moxxi, and a shitload of comedy, with Tiny Tina's reappearance, and the whole cookies saga. I love that mission in the game. I hated dealing with all the Loaders (I don't think I had corrosive weapons to deal with them at the time), but the humour of that mission more than made up for it.**

 **BTW, I'm currently writing an AU story to the Ballad of Ricky and Angel. I'm waiting until the second chapter is finished before I post it. It's called** ** _Zagreus' Song_** **, and features a VERY different version of Richard Snyder participating in the events of** ** _The Secret Armoury of General Knoxx_** **.**

 **1\. For details about how this came about, see** ** _To Thine Own Self Be True_** **, Omake 3 in** ** _The Ballad of Ricky and Angel Files_** **.**

 **2\. I don't know which Rocky film has him drinking a raw egg (a quick Google search suggests the first film), but I remember a parody of that scene in the Footrot Flats movie. I also found that Eye of the Tiger was used in the third film. That's my mistake while writing this chapter, but hey, just think of it as Krieg conflating things.**

 **3\. The infamous catchphrase of Kain from the** ** _Legacy of Kain_** **video games. It means 'Woe to the conquered' or 'suffering to the conquered'.** **It's doubly appropriate that Snyder goes on a rampage to** ** _Ozar Midrashim_** **, the theme for** ** _Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver_** **.**


	8. Chapter 7: Ganked

**CHAPTER 7:**

 **GANKED**

Having spent much of the day rescuing Moxxi and going out on Tina's strange idea of training and dieting, we retired for the night at Moxxi's Badass Crater Bar. Even Tina came back, the hyperactive girl getting on surprisingly well with Janey and Athena.

I remembered how well Tina, Tim, and Moxxi had gotten along with each other, effectively becoming a family of sorts, even though none of them were related by blood. Tina and Tim had bonded well during the brief time they had known each other before we ended up in Oasis. I remembered Lilith saying that she sent me to Tina as a test of character, as Tina, for all her manic mannerisms, was also a good judge of character. And she knew that Tim wasn't Handsome Jack. Oh, he had absorbed some of the mannerisms over the years he had spent working for Jack, but he had kept his core personality, that of a decent guy. The fact that he could say things Jack would never say in a perfect imitation of the man was icing on the cake.

I thought about my own family. I was an only child, and my parents were mining engineers who were sometimes sent by Hyperion to help with Dahl's mining efforts on Pandora. Sometimes, I went for weeks, even months, without seeing them in person. They never neglected me, sending me ECHO messages and communications frequently. They cared about me, despite my condition.

I thought about the others present and their families. Zer0 never spoke of his past, and Krieg spoke little, if at all, about it. The nearest thing Maya had to a father figure was the man who tried to exploit her power to keep the planet Athenas in fear. Lilith didn't speak much about her past, though her family may have been loving. Athena had been snatched from her family on Pandora by Atlas at a young age, she had told me, and indoctrinated into being a Lance Assassin. Janey's parents, as far as I knew, had died during the Crackening on Elpis. Moxxi's parents were part of the incestuous and vicious Hodunks. Tina…her parents were subjected to inhuman experimentation, and one of them may have ended up as Krieg. And Angel…well, her father was Handsome Jack. Enough said.

But perversely enough, Salvador had a good relationship with his family. While he didn't need an excuse to kill bandits, he took very badly an attempt on the life of his grandmother, and the resulting massacre nearly had him hung from a gallows by his hometown. Gaige was helped in her travels to Pandora by her father, and I had the feeling, given her experience with robotics and weapons before coming there, that her parents had been in some sort of military unit. Tim, I was sure, had a good family, though they had died not long before the Elpis incident.

As we finished dinner, Lilith asked, "So, what's the plan? Who's next on the leaderboards?"

"She goes by the name of Motor Momma," Moxxi said. "Once had her as a lover, but…well, she was repulsive. She's something of a cannibal."

"Moxxi, you've just described most of the bandit population of Pandora," Athena said.

"True, but…well, she's also a glutton about it. She even eats her own children."

I grimaced, looking at my plate. "Oh God, Moxxi, did you have to wait until after the meal to say that?"

"Don't look at me, sugar. Lilith wanted to know about your next target."

Angel made a noise of disgust. "Okay, so, we've got to fight Hannibal Lecter's sister."

"Oh, no, Angel. I'd rather have Hannibal Lecter to dinner than Motor Momma. She talks nice and sweetly, but she's as vicious as they come on Pandora," Moxxi said. "She runs a gang of bikers…"

"Bikies," Janey and I corrected Moxxi simultaneously.

"Bikers…" Moxxi persisted.

"Bikies."

Moxxi looked at us both for a moment, before muttering, "Bloody Australians. Anyway, she runs a gang of bikers not far from here. We'll have to get you to get her attention before we can confront her, though."

"Perversely enough, I am actually looking forward to killing her," I muttered. "I mean, cannibalising your own children… _ugh_."

"You'd be surprised at what some isolated communities get up to, Snyder," Lilith said with a grimace. "Motor Momma's just at the extreme end of the bell curve."

"The what?" Salvador asked.

"Never mind," Lilith said.

"THERE ARE LIES, DAMNED LIES, AND STATISTICS!" Krieg bellowed. Then, he went back to his calmer personality. "Sorry about that. He's like a child. A bloodthirsty, psychopathic child with ADHD and impulse control. So when something comes to mind, he will say it."

Silence fell. It was Lilith who broke it. "We have another problem to worry about. When Jack shot Krieg and Steve, we thought they were dead for good. He claimed the gun was an anti-respawn gun using Eridium Tech. Clearly, it was faulty in some way."

Angel nodded. "While in theory he could have just shot us and taken us off the New-U system beforehand, there's a few reasons why he couldn't. The first is that after you guys got me free, I was free to basically hardwire you all into the New-U system. Effectively, you have admin access, including myself. As long as you don't die of natural causes, you're immortal. No money required. He's not stupid, he would have seen that, and it would have taken him too much time to take us off."

"What about the second reason?"

"It was a new gun, with new tech inside it. It's bound to have bugs. Especially if Dad did the coding himself. He's good at spotting bugs if anyone but himself did the programming. I was amazed at how easily I managed to hack it, especially as I had one of his control collars on at the time. And then, there's the fact there are more New-U systems than Hyperion: Dahl had similar systems, particularly on Elpis. It could have been one of these factors, or any number of factors. I don't know."

"So…" Lilith said, "What are the odds that Handsome Jack and Nisha survived their execution?"

"Very likely, I'm afraid," Angel said. "Since we first heard that, I've been in contact with Blake with my abilities. He's suspected it as well, or rather, it explains the actions of Nakayama. Some time ago, Nakayama began to act erratically, even for him. Blake decided to sabotage Nakayama's efforts, or at least find out what was going on. So he sent for Claptrap."

"Claptrap?" I blinked. "Wait, didn't he say at his birthday that he was going on holiday to Aegrus?"

Angel nodded. "Hyperion already have a small research station there. Nakayama has been making frequent trips there since the fiasco in Oasis. Eventually, Blake sent Claptrap in to spy on Nakayama, although really, he was there to basically screw up any plans of Nakayama. Blake was basically able to reactivate Claptrap's Fragtrap programming from his Vault Hunting days. Claptrap sabotaged the autopilot of Nakayama's ship, the _Terminus_ , and it crash-landed in Aegrus. Claptrap is keeping an eye on Nakayama, but to tell the truth, he has little to report. But given how much of a fanboy Nakayama was for my father…"

"If Jack has survived, then he's got a ready-made ally in Nakayama," I cursed.

Lilith frowned. "But if Jack has survived, what's to stop him from hacking into Hyperion's systems? He was a programmer for them after all. Without you, it might be more difficult, but…"

"I know. Hyperion's systems have registered an upsurge in computer attacks since Nakayama crashed. Someone with intimate knowledge of Hyperion software and its vulnerabilities. I've been working when I could with Blake to plug some of the holes, just in case. It's hard to do remotely, even with my Phase-shift, but if Jack manages to gain control over Helios again…well, those were the priorities for me: securing Helios and the moonshot systems. I'm also trying to confirm whether he is alive, but security on the _Terminus_ is pretty good, and frankly, securing Hyperion's systems take the priority."

"And Sanctuary's, of course," Lilith said pointedly.

"Lilith, I did that long ago. Believe me, having actually hacked Sanctuary's systems, I know better than probably anyone else its weaknesses. Sanctuary isn't impregnable by any means, but it has better protection on its computer systems now than anything else. Dahl's been asking me to help with plugging the holes on their security, actually. They're having a bit of trouble acceding to my price, though."

"And that was?" Lilith asked.

"Full disclosure on Zarpedon and the Lost Legion. I wasn't able to monitor the situation on Elpis that much at the time, as Jack was having me try to counteract the Lost Legion's hacking of Helios and Hyperion's systems. So I want to know as much as possible. However, Dahl is being skittish because they think that releasing the files means admitting some culpability."

"Coverin' their arses," Janey snorted. "Like they refused to admit responsibility for the Crackening."

"That's corporations for you," I muttered. "But back to the point: there's a very real possibility that Jack and Nisha have survived in a form similar to Krieg?"

Krieg shuddered. "That's enough to give _me_ nightmares," the calm, sane personality said. "Usually, I'm the one giving them out." Suddenly, he stiffened, and howled, "LIKE CANDY AT HALLOWEEN!"

"We'll worry about that later," Lilith said. "If Angel is correct, then Jack, if he's survived, is in a bad way, and more concerned with taking over Hyperion at the moment. In all likelihood, he'll need a powerbase again before he can attempt any kind of revenge on us. Aegrus is isolated after all."

I felt a certain unease at that pronouncement. And Lilith didn't look that assured.

* * *

Angel and I stepped out into the night air, followed not long afterwards by Athena and Janey. I looked up to Elpis, partly obscured by Helios. It had been home, on and off over the years.

Athena looked up at the moon as well. "There were three great achievements, I believe, that I made on Elpis. The first was saving Elpis and Pandora from Zarpedon's attempts to destroy them. The second, well…" She looked at Janey, and gave an awkward, but genuine smile.

"And the third?" I asked.

"Well…did you ever see that sculpture of a flower that Papa Crust and the People's Liberation Army made in Concordia?"

I blinked. "The one made of weapons? Yeah. I did, actually."

Athena smiled. "I helped make it. As we travelled to stop Zarpedon, I donated our old weapons to the cause, though I was worried that I was funding a revolution. But something made me want to continue. And I'm glad I did. Sure, it was a bit pretentious, but…turning weapons into something peaceful…(1)" She sighed. "A bit of a waste of weaponry as well, but at least they only wanted lower-grade weapons."

"Could've put those in the Grinder, 'Thena," Janey said, though she smiled as she did so. "Papa Crust's a few stubbies short of a six-pack, but he's alright."

I nodded. I knew something of Papa Crust and his People's Liberation Army. Although much of his rhetoric was grave and filled with dark imagery, his actions tended to prove otherwise, usually trying to change people's minds through art. Somewhat ineffectual, but he was well-meaning. I met the guy once not long after the Elpis fiasco.

Angel said, "Maybe one day, that can happen to all weapons."

"Aren't you the optimist?" I joked, turning to face her…only to stop and stare in horror.

"Ricky," Angel said quietly, "what is it?" And then, she followed my gaze, to see a red dot on her chest. A laser sight.

On an impulse, I shoved her out of the way, only to get in the way of it myself. And then…my chest exploded. Pain bloomed, and blood spattered everywhere. I couldn't breathe. Couldn't speak.

Even as I sagged to the ground, a small part of me mused, _So this is what it's like to be literally heartless. Can't say that I'm a fan_. The rest of me focused on the pain, and on the wide eyes of Angel, even as she was dragged behind cover by Athena and Janey.

I wanted to say something, anything to Angel. Last words, even if they were only the stock standard and sappy 'I love you'. But it's virtually impossible to speak when most of the contents of your chest cavity are decorating the ground like some perverse artwork.

I felt the darkness take me. Had Angel been wrong? Had I been taken out of the New-U system after all?

As oblivion consumed me, I thought my last thoughts: _I don't wanna die_ …

But die I did.

 **CHAPTER 7 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **And Snyder has been well and truly ganked. He's dead forever, and the story now ends…and if you believe that, I have a nice bridge across Sydney Harbour I think I can sell to you.**

 **I'd always intended for this bit to happen, once I got some parts of the story nailed down. It was really at what point during the tournament that was up in the air. So now, we're going into the bit with Nakayama. Well, after a bit of an interlude.**

 **Who is the sniper? You'll find out, but those who have read** ** _The Ballad of Ricky and Angel Files_** **may be able to hazard a decent guess. A clue: they're a former Vault Hunter.**

 ** _Welcome to the Jungle_** **will continue with…** ** _The Unquiet Dead_** **.**

 **1\. I found the mission 'To Arms' irritating, but I continued partly because I wanted to see what happened, and partly because I wanted the legendary OZ Kit. As it turned out, I found the revelation of what Papa Crust had been up to with the weapons to be both funny and heartwarming at the same time. I thought the People's Liberation Army was going to try and start a revolution, only to get trounced and/or ignored. The thing with the flower sculpture was the best possible ending to that mission.**


	9. Chapter 8: The Unquiet Dead

**CHAPTER 8:**

 **THE UNQUIET DEAD**

If oblivion was what I was expecting after getting shot in the chest, then I was, in a way, sorely disappointed. I found awareness coming back to me, gradually. It took a while to recognise the opulent surroundings: the Meriff's Office on Concordia. I had only been there once or twice, after the Elpis fiasco.

But it wasn't the portly figure of the old Meriff who stood at the window, looking out across the surface of Elpis. Nor was it Jack, as I had feared. The figure was a bit shorter than either of them, dressed in a beige military uniform, and stood with a military bearing. Shoulder-length brown hair. I had a bad feeling that I knew who it was.

"They didn't take my advice, you know," the figure said. It was the voice of a woman, weary, but authoritative. "I respected their tenacity, if nothing else. But in the end, they made things worse, Vault Hunters old and new. Perhaps it was my fault. Perhaps by trying to change what would come to pass, I only hastened its advent."

"What are you talking about? Who are you?"

"Who am I? A ghost. An awareness of an awareness. The last shadow of one who died long ago. The Watcher's gift, the one you bear, was one given to me as well. That is the only reason what little there is left of me survives." The woman turned around, revealing a stern face, one that could be charitably called handsome, and was somewhat lugubrious. Her eyes glowed purple, with similarly coloured veins or cracks running from them. "I am Colonel Tungsteena Zarpedon. What is left of her, anyway."

 **COLONEL TUNGSTEENA ZARPEDON AS**

 **THE SHADE**

 **Old Soldiers Never Die, They Only Fade Away**.

I blinked, in surprise. "Zarpedon? As in, the crazy bitch who wanted to destroy Elpis and Pandora?"

Zarpedon gave me an appraising look, before scoffing softly. "An understandable reaction. And yet, even now, the scars Jack inflicted on Pandora are still fresh. That the Vault of the Warrior remains unopened is cause for some relief. War has been delayed. But we have drawn attention to ourselves."

"Yeah, that's what the Watcher claimed," I muttered. "Vague news of war, death, and destruction, and oh, we just got conscripted by the enigmatic alien who basically helped you in trying to destroy Elpis. Forgive me if I'm a little sceptical. I mean, ignoring a warning is stupid, especially where the Vaults are concerned. But committing genocide to prevent war? I'd kill a hundred dickheads to safeguard others, but innocent people?"

"I needed to prevent the death of humanity."

"Except you may as well have committed the first atrocity of that war. I mean, instead of preventing deaths, you decided to cause them." I blinked. "And it's just occurred to me, could destroying the Vaults on Pandora and Elpis have brought even greater attention from this mysterious enemy?"

"It was a calculated risk."

"On what, your fingers(1)? And Athena said that you offered an evacuation from Elpis to the Vault Hunters. What about the citizens of Elpis? I got the impression you planned that thing for a while, so why not rustle up some starships and make an effort to evacuate Elpis and Pandora?"

"Enough!" Zarpedon snapped, finally losing her composure. And with the way she said that single word, with two syllables, you could see the commanding presence that made her, according to Athena, well-loved by her men. "You dare to speak of me of such things? Only when you have felt the full gravity of choice should you dare to question my judgement! Your own problems are small compared to the mass of doubt and regret I have borne since I broke away from Dahl! To know that the fate of the universe hangs on the advisedness of my every deed! Can you even begin to conceive what action you would take in my position?(2)"

"I thought I just did," I said dryly, trying to conceal how much her rant had shaken me.

"And if a mass evacuation occurred, Dahl's main forces may have decided to come and sniff around. I am no fool, Doctor Snyder, despite what you think of me. Dahl wanted the Vault as much as Atlas or Hyperion did. They were the ones who sent Tannis to Pandora, after all. Do you know how many scenarios I thought through? How many plans I considered and dismissed?" Her fist clenched, before relaxing, and she emitted a sigh. "In a way, I expected this to happen. I'm less prepared than I thought."

"What do you mean?"

She stepped around the desk, and walked towards me. Even with her eyes glowing with Eridium infusion, you could still see the essential humanity in her. The tears glistening in her eyes. "I thought that, one day, I may have to face the ghosts of those I murdered when I destroyed Elpis and devastated Pandora. I thought myself prepared to meet with them. You may think me a heartless monster..."

"No, _Jack_ is a heartless monster. You, I think, are just an idiot who got the books balanced wrongly, and didn't consider enough alternatives. Maybe I'm wrong, but there should've been better alternatives than genocide. Plus, my parents were on Pandora at the time, and so was I, doing some field research. I could've died." I sighed. "Athena told me about you. About what she learned about you. Like how the _Drakensburg_ 's crew wanted to name their mascot after you, and you declined because of regulations. Or about the chocolate cake you used as incentive to attend some private's birthday. Or your daughter. They delivered your last ECHO to her, you know."

"I see," Zarpedon said.

"How could a woman like that suddenly think it is necessary, even with regret, to destroy millions of lives to save the universe? I mean, the moral arithmetic, if there's even such a term, doesn't add up. Maybe if it was a penal colony, filled with the scum of the universe, and with no innocents, I could live with that. But not what you did." Once more, I sighed. "Sorry, I've got a thing against people who try to kill me and my friends. Can't help it. Have a thing about trying to keep my life going. Though I think the appropriate saying here is, _I done goofed_."

"What do you mean?" Zarpedon asked.

"Well…something's telling me that this is the afterlife. Could be worse, could be eternity in darkness, but still…the Meriff's office on Concordia?"

Zarpedon looked at me for a moment, before emitting a chuckle. There was no malice or condescension in the mirth, though there was the air of 'I know something that you don't' about it.

"What?" I asked, irritated.

"If this is the afterlife, then I am Handsome Jack," Zarpedon said. "You are very much alive, Doctor Snyder, certainly more than I am. Through the artifact the Watcher gave you, I have access to your memories, and your mind. If one of my men had gone through the undue hardships you had gone through, I would have demanded a commendation for him. You are very much alive, though I am not sure for how much longer. You've just gone through a New-U system. I know from experience that it is not a pleasant experience. Jack managed to erase me from the systems, though. Only this…remnant of me remains. Chained to the world like Jacob Marley."

"Eh, you're more pleasant to speak with than Marley," I muttered.

"I would hope so. Perhaps we can talk again, under less fraught circumstances. Know this, Doctor Snyder: help is on the way. Do not forget that. And also remember that even your madness can be a strength, just as much as your intelligence or your physical ability or your agility can be. While a monster lurks beneath the surface of your soul, it is a monster who knows the difference between friend and foe. If you have to fight, then fight."

And with that, the Meriff's office dissolved into darkness…and then was shot through with spears of light.

* * *

I groaned as I recovered consciousness. For a brief moment, I was glad I was still alive. Until I realised a number of things.

The first was my fear of the New-U system. How could I tell whether this was truly me, or merely a clone with memories put into it? Whether my soul, or whatever passed for one, was still part of me, and on this mortal plane?

The second, and more immediate concern, was that I was definitely not at the Badass Crater of Badassitude anymore. It had been hot there, true, but nowhere near this humid. In fact, I seemed to be strapped to a table in a rather decrepit operating theatre. An operating theatre that seemed to be a mix of Dahl and Hyperion design. And I had a sinking feeling I knew where I was.

The third was that, as mentioned briefly before, I was strapped to an operating table. There are, of course, relatively benign reasons for such a state, but I doubted any of them applied to me.

"How the hell did I end up here?" I groaned.

"I don't understand the technical details myself," came an unwelcome voice. It was a tone that whittled at the senses, one that was pathetic even as it tried to be majestic. If it weren't for the fact that the owner was currently my captor, or one of them, I would pity him. "However, when Lady Hammerlock shot you, we were able to re-direct your respawn to where we wanted."

The owner of the voice finally made themselves known, leaning over my supine form. A scrawny, wiry leprechaun of a man, with a balding pate, a beard, glasses, and a ratty face. I noted small purple crystals, possibly of Eridium, growing out of his neck like acne, and a cybernetically-mounted cannon on his shoulder that reminded me, perversely, of Wilhelm.

"Oh, find me in the Alps(3)," I groaned. "Nakayama…I should have known."

"So, you understand the doom under which you have fallen?" Nakayama said, trying his best, bless him, to play the role of a megalomaniacal villain. And failing, miserably. Oh, not that he wasn't dangerous by any means, but truth be told, he was a scientist with little in the ways of grandiose delusions. He was merely a lackey, infatuated with a dangerous man.

 **PROFESSOR NAKAYAMA**

 **Nothing In The World Can Stop Him Now! …Except His Lack of Dignity.**

"Wow, Nakayama, you actually used 'doom' in the old-fashioned sense. You know, meaning fate and all," I snarked. "I heard that you went AWOL from Hyperion. I doubt Blake's happy about that."

"I don't answer to Blake," Nakayama said haughtily. "I serve a higher power."

I sighed. "And I have a sneaky suspicion I know who it is."

"How could you…?"

"We met Krieg at the Badass Crater of Badassitude," I said. "Mangled up with Steve." My eyes were drawn to a doorway, where I could see a dark outline lurking in the shadows. I felt dread, resignation, and fear. "Just come on out, you don't get to make your big, hammy entrance…Handsome Jack. And Nisha."

The figure made their way out of the shadows, a nightmarish ruin of what had once been two human beings. Well, using the biological definition of the term, rather than the moral sense. These two's looks now matched what they were inside, monstrous and deformed.

You remember Zaphod Beeblebrox, the two-headed president of the galaxy from _The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy_? Imagine him, only with a female head, and with many of the features warped and running together, mixed up with a Bullymong. Two heads, with faces partly deformed as if molten. Three arms. Dressed in very crudely tailored clothing, a far cry from the finer clothing I knew these two were used to.

One of the faces was that of a woman of Indian descent, dark-skinned and beautiful, though one of her eyes and the surrounding flesh was warped and puckered. The other was an older man, a face that could be considered rakishly handsome were it not for the deformities, as well as a massive scar, in the shape of an inverted 'V', on his face.

Both heads were glaring at me, but also looking down at me with eager anticipation. The man's head grinned viciously. "Hello, Dick. Did you miss me?"

"Obviously. So my aim needs work," I snarked back.

"No, you didn't. It wasn't very pleasant to die, I can assure you that. But soon, it won't be very pleasant for _you_ to _live_ ," Jack's face sneered, before he, and Nisha's, began to laugh. A laugh that promised my doom.

 **HANDSOME JACK AND NISHA KADAM AS**

 **THE TWO-HEADED HORROR**

 **Can't They Just** ** _Die?!_**

 **CHAPTER 8 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **And there you have it: the long-awaited return of Handsome Jack and Nisha, albeit in somewhat mangled form. And how many of you were expecting Zarpedon to make a return? Even I hadn't planned that, until I wrote Snyder's 'death scene'. Let's just say that she will be to Snyder, what Jack is to Rhys in** ** _Tales from the Borderlands_** **.**

 **I wonder if this is the moment where I have officially jumped the shark? In any case, it might be a while before the next chapter comes out: I have a lot of stuff to work on.**

 **Review-answering time:** **Darkstar248** **: I know. I hate fruit. I don't mind vegetables, but fruit is another matter. And yes, you are right. Pretty obvious. Mordecai has forgiven Angel, but it was very hard for him to do so.**

 **1\. Snyder's retort to Zarpedon claiming what she did was calculated is based on a similar line from an episode of** ** _Blake's 7_** **. Avon was the one who made the fingers remark.**

 **2\. Zarpedon's rant is a slightly modified version of one Kain has when confronted by Raziel for the first time in** ** _Legacy of Kain: Soul Reaver_** **. Kain being an evil SOB aside, it's a good speech, and I thought it would suit Zarpedon fine.**

 **3\. Based roughly on the censored version of a line from** ** _The Big Lebowski_** **, and used in an episode of** ** _Dragonball Z Abridged_** **when Dr Gero gets frustrated.**


	10. Chapter 9: Deus Ex Machina, Bitch!

**CHAPTER 9:**

 **DEUS EX MACHINA, BITCH!**

I looked over at Nakayama, and then Jack/Nisha. God, I need a good name for those two. The Diabolic Duo? Bitch and Bastard?

Diabolic Duo it was.

Wearily, but knowing that too much snarkery would get me hurt, I said, "How's life as a crime against nature, guys?"

"Truthfully?" Nisha said, talking for the first time since I met her mashed up with Jack. "It sucks."

"Now, now, Nisha," Jack said. "You could have been fused with someone worse."

"Like who?"

"Claptrap."

"…Fair point." I saw her eyes go over to Nakayama, and they seemed to silently add, _Or this guy_.

"Yeah, well, you know what they say, Nisha," Jack said. "Two heads are better than one."

"Yeah, but having one's organs and limbs mashed together ain't no picnic. And don't get me started on the genital situation."

"Yes, please don't," I said. "Please don't go there." I already had enough nightmare material to last me for the rest of my life. I didn't need any more.

"Fine," Jack said. "I ain't liking it any more than you are, babe. I mean, that's what I get for using that anti-respawn gun before it's out of beta-testing." He scratched his head. "Ah well. Might as well make the most of it. So, Dick, how's things going?"

"Fine enough," I muttered. "We were making our way through Torgue's little tournament. Had a chat with a couple of old acquaintances of yours, actually."

"What, that traitorous dyke bitch Athena and her slutty Elpis-trash girlfriend?" Jack sneered.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, yes, though I'd rather have them at my side than not. But actually, I was talking about the Watcher. And Zarpedon."

It was probably a mistake to mention either, and especially Zarpedon, to Jack. The Watcher was an unknown quantity, to be sure, but I also knew from Athena's stories that Jack had killed Zarpedon himself.

The man himself chuckled derisively. "Zarpedon? I blew that bitch's brains out on Helios Station."

"Staying dead doesn't seem to happen a lot here, does it?" I asked.

"Which makes it almost interesting," came a rather posh, lilting tone. A woman stepped into view, dressed in a sapphire-blue outfit that seemed somewhere between the aristocratic jacket of a socialite, and the costume of a big game hunter. Her face was haughty and proud and tanned, her dark hair having a single white stripe in it.

I had never met the woman before, but I had seen a picture, pocked with dart holes, in the possession of her brother, who had become one of my friends. And judging by the sniper rifle on her back, she may very well have been the one to shoot me.

"Lady Hammerlock, I presume?" I said. "Forgive me for not doffing my hat or bowing. I have no hat, and I am currently physically incapable of bowing."

"That is fine by me, darling," she said, the term of endearment sliding off her tongue with a marked lack of sincerity. "It was a pleasure to shoot you."

 **LADY AURELIA HAMMERLOCK AS**

 **THE HUNTRESS**

 **Low Boredom Threshold. High Bank Balance.**

"You were aiming for Angel," I scowled.

"Ah, and you performed your noble act of supreme sacrifice. That was rather touching. A shame that I couldn't get another shot in before Athena began returning fire. And your girlfriend was given a sniper rifle. I have to say, she is rather skilled with it. Not to mention calling the wrath of Zeus on me. I don't know how many times I nearly got hit by lightning."

"Good thing you didn't get hit," Jack murmured. "The little bitch did it to me, and it hurts like a motherfucker."

"And she was holding back," I said. "The first few people she did it to got gibbed."

"Astounding," Nakayama murmured. "Electrokinesis within a Siren."

Noticing his genuine scientific curiosity, I decided to indulge the weasel-like scientist. Not because I genuinely wanted to help him, but if I got any brownie points with him, it might help me escape. "I think it's because her Phase-shift involves electricity manipulation at a sub-atomic level and with great precision. Substitute precision for power, and that's what you get."

"Fascinating," Nakayama muttered. He shook his head sadly. The ratty little fucker was actually pitying me. I thought he hated me after I had gone all Sci-Zone on his scrawny arse. "Oh, Dr Snyder, why did you not continue working for Jack?"

"Because Jack decided to have me killed when Angel contacted me." I indicated the Diabolical Duo with my head. "It's all on Comstock over there(1)."

"Huh?" Nakayama asked. Obviously, that reference went over his head.

"He's just bitter because I went a little overboard in protecting my daughter," Jack sneered.

"A little overboard would be you beating the crap out of me personally," I muttered. "But trying to have me murdered? Yeah, that gets you in the Big Book of Disproportionate Retribution. Actually, you'd have a pretty big entry in that book." I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. "Where did Uncle John go?"

"I'm right here, Dick," Jack said.

"No…I don't know when Uncle John died, but it had to be before putting his daughter in a bloody cage." I looked at the others present. Lady Hammerlock, Nakayama, and Nisha, her head next to Jack's. "This is the man you're following. A man willing to all but chain up his own fucking daughter like an animal. Tell me, how does it make him any better than the bandits he hates?"

It was Lady Hammerlock who replied first. "He's more interesting than a bandit. Besides, that is the way of the universe."

"True enough," Nisha said. "We do this sort of thing for fun."

I didn't fail to notice Nakayama looking a little uncomfortable. I didn't doubt that he would experiment on me, especially if Jack did so, but to see qualms on his face was something.

Not enough, though. I don't know whether I was going to kill him, or just break his kneecaps and deliver him to Blake. Or maybe bring him to Sanctuary, and see what happened.

I closed my eyes. They had taken my ECHO, so Angel couldn't contact me. So unless they decided that Nakayama was responsible, they might have a hard time tracking me down. Of course, unless Jack had covered his tracks, Angel might be able to trace my resurrection through the New-U system, or else Lady Hammerlock's journey through the Fast Travel system.

We had to be in Aegrus, because that was where Nakayama was supposed to be. But how could the others track me down?

It was as I mused that I heard a voice speak to me. A not unwelcome voice. _Help is coming. Just wait a moment_.

Sighing, I opened my eyes. "So…am I to be bait, or your new torture doll, or what?" I asked, wearily.

"Y'know, I haven't really decided," Jack said. "I wanted Aurelia here to get Angel. Don't get me wrong, you're a good consolation prize, but I kinda wanted Angel here, to help me take back Hyperion. So, bait's pretty good…" But then, a vicious grin split his already malformed face. "But who's to say you can't be both?"

"He does like to hear himself talk, doesn't he?" Zarpedon remarked, appearing, standing next to me, crossing her arms.

"Yeah, it's a medical condition," I said, not caring whether they could see her or not.

"Wait, what?" Jack said. "What's a medical condition?"

"You liking to hear yourself talk." I indicated with my head where Zarpedon was standing. "Zarpedon was just talking to me."

"Do you _need_ to tell the malformed megalomaniac that I'm here?" Zarpedon asked, rolling her eyes.

"Eh, it's fun to watch their reactions," I said. And it was true, the four of them were gaping at me stupidly. "I'm about to get tortured, might as well get as much fun out of it while I can."

"That's a…strange way of putting it," Zarpedon said. "Not an unsound strategy, mind. Especially under the circumstances. If I was still in Dahl, I'd be recommending it as a strategy to withstand torture."

"I think you'd have been laughed out of the office, Zarpedon."

"True."

Aurelia looked at Nisha and Jack. "You told me that you had managed to suppress his little condition of his. Is he going insane anyway?"

"This has nothing to do with the Sci-Zone," Nakayama said. He indicated a monitor near my bed. "His brainwave patterns are changing. As if there was another one there."

"So, what, you're saying that Dick is telling the truth? That he's sharing skull-space with Colonel Whackjob?" Jack asked.

 _By the way, I have found your music player and ECHO device_ , the voice from earlier said. _What would be appropriate for heralding my arrival?_

 _Track 132_ , I said. Out loud, I said, "Yeah. So?"

"Put her on the line," Jack said. "I wanna have words with her."

I looked at Zarpedon, who sighed. "This is _not_ going to end well," she muttered. "Okay, don't panic when I take over."

"Fine," I said, before I tried to relax and let her take control. It was harder than I thought. I all but fought against the sensation of someone taking over my body, feeling my muscles move in unfamiliar ways, before I managed to let go.

It was an eerie sensation to have no control as Zarpedon moved my head to look at Jack, and say, with my voice, but her distinctive intonation, "Hello, Jack. And Nisha. And Lady Hammerlock. I would say that it's a pleasure, but you and I know that that's a lie. Just out of curiosity, which of you delivered my last ECHO to Brittania?"

"Eh, that was Athena and Tim," Nisha said. "They were always the sentimental type, you know. Frankly, it were up to me, I'd have shot the damn thing full of holes."

"Then it's a good thing you didn't," Zarpedon said. "I've seen this tormented young man's memories. You disgust me, Jack. What you did to your daughter…"

Suddenly, Jack lunged forward, and slapped me. Even with someone else at the wheel, getting slapped still hurt. "Oh, don't you dare talk to me about that, Little Miss 'Blow Up the Moon and Kill Everyone on Elpis and Pandora'!"

"I do dare," Zarpedon said. "By your actions, Jack, you may have condemned the entire human race to a war it isn't ready for yet! I tried to warn you, but you shot me."

"Yeah, well, one, I was bored of your bullshit, and two, you killed people left, right, and centre when you took over Helios. Oh, and three, I don't care. War is coming? Great, I get to do a bit of war profiteering! Well, once I'm back in charge of Hyperion. And if not, well, the universe can go burn, as far as I am concerned."

Suddenly, the sound of oriental instruments began playing. Zarpedon, knowing what was coming, released control over me, and I was back. "Hey, what's that music?" Jack asked.

"What, that? The Oriental Mix of _Clash on the Big Bridge_ , as used on _Final Fantasy XIII-2_ ," I said.

"But why is it playing?" Jack asked, before suddenly, the door to the laboratory burst open, and a very welcome figure came through.

" _Because he asked me to play it_ ," the Watcher said, before raising a hand. A shockwave sent the four people (well, two people and a fused freak that used to be two people) present sprawling.

" _Deus ex machina,_ _ **bitch!**_ " I yelled, even as the Watcher cut through the straps holding me down.

It helped me to my feet, and then said, " _Run. I will hold them back._ " It handed me my weapons and my ECHO device, along with my music recorder. " _Your friends are coming._ "

I didn't need to be told twice. "You can hold them off, right?" I asked as I scrambled for the door.

" _Do you need to ask?_ " it asked, as it used its halberd to parry an attack from Jack and Nisha.

"I killed a lot of you freaks!" Jack snarled, "I can kill you too!"

" _You can try, Jack_ ," the Watcher taunted, as I took that as my cue to flee.

* * *

I later learned that I was in Ardorton Station, a former Dahl facility taken over by Hyperion in Aegrus. Of course, I was not in the mood to deal with geographical nomenclature.

Of course, running through the half-abandoned facility meant that I was sure to attract attention, and soon enough, I found myself confronted by, well, savages.

I won't bore you of the battles that followed. I was amazed I managed to get through all those intact, fleeing for my life. Of course, I noticed a few were wearing Handsome Jack masks, so I got an idea. Every time I saw them, I yelled, hoping they would understand me, "Jack's in trouble! Go help him!" That worked surprisingly more times than I thought it would. It certainly helped me cut down on ammo wastage, never mind cutting down on killing people.

It was when I got to a meadow leading out of the station that my luck ran out. Not because of the savages, but because I had the misfortune to encounter a lot of Boroks. Four-legged beasties with vicious teeth and jaws. It was my first time encountering them, and when one of them screamed, skittering forward, ready to eat me, I thought it'd be my last.

Until with a cry, one of the savages appeared from out of nowhere, and shot the thing expertly with a shotgun. With a triumphant howl, he shot the other Boroks, and then turned to me, and started speaking to me in his guttural language, his dark eyes peering at me over a filthy bandanna-like cloth with a crude picture of a skull on it. I didn't know what the hell he was saying. For all I knew, he was either commenting on the weather, exulting over his kill, or saying I had pissed my pants.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak your language," I said, doubtful of whether he would understand me.

"Oh, that's cool," the guy said, his voice still guttural, but speaking rather casual English. "I speak English. Why are you running from Ardorton Station?"

"Because a dickhead wants to kill me," I said.

"Any particular one? I mean, a lot of the guys here are dickheads."

"Does the name Jack mean anything to you?"

I saw the man's expression darken. For a moment, I cursed, realising I may have dissed the guy's god. "Yeah," he said. "And you'd better not say that out loud. A lotta people here, they think the guy is a god. Of course, he ain't the only one around here."

"…What's your opinion of him?"

The savage, surprisingly, gave a shrug. "Eh, the guy's a dickhead. Plus, he's ugly, and around here, that's saying something. Look, you wanna get away from him? That's cool. I'll help. And it's dangerous in these parts."

I had no reason to trust him. But he was right. Aegrus was dangerous, and trekking through jungles and swamps would be easier with someone who knew where everything was. Resigned to the possibility that this was a trap, I sighed, and said, "All right, Mr…?"

"No mister. Just Thirstblood."

 **THIRSTBLOOD AS**

 **THE HUNTER**

 **Not-So-Noble Savage**

"Of course you are. Well, lead the way, please."

* * *

Thirstblood proved to be a very competent guide. Not only that, but he was well-versed on the wildlife of Aegrus in a way many qualified zoologists would envy. I was certain that if he and Sir Hammerlock ever met, the two would be chatting away for days.

Of course, the man would then casually mention that he ate his own mother, or something else along those lines. I had no doubt he was telling the truth, but I was also sure he threw those things out mainly to get a reaction out of me.

My ECHO device was damaged, too. The GPS system worked fine enough, but the comms system no longer worked. So I couldn't call up Angel, at least for the time being.

We came to a village high above a swamp. Thirstblood vouched for me to the guards, who nonetheless strived to give me the evil eye. As we progressed, I heard chanting above. "What's happening?"

"Oh, they're worshipping another god. Said to be the apostle of Jack." He jerked his thumb over at an idol we were passing that looked very familiar.

Rhomboid in shape…with a green, glowing eye that seemed to pierce into your soul…

I didn't know whether to be elated, or frightened. "I've met that one, actually."

"You have? Eh, figures. Some of us are part-timers. You know, going in for the whole 'be a savage' experience. It's apparently a pretty lucrative trade(2). Me, I was born and raised here, but I know better than to think something's a god just 'cause it's new and bizarre. Anyway, a couple of them told me what he is. He's a bit annoying, but he's entertaining, I guess."

We took an elevator up to the top of a mountain, where a group of savages were bowing before a hut in the middle of a sort of village square. "The god lives in there," Thirstblood said. "It's about time for his twice-daily appearance."

"I'm surprised he doesn't stay out for more adulation, knowing him," I murmured, as Thirstblood escorted me forward.

As we approached, the door of the hut opened, and a most extraordinary apparition emerged. Rhomboid and yellow in shape, with a single, glowing green eye, with a horned headdress on top. But there was no mistaking who it was.

"Hey, what's up, Doc?" Claptrap yelled.

 **CLAPTRAP AS**

 **THE FRAGTRAP**

 **Hasn't Got a God Complex As Much as a God Simple**

I sighed. For better or for worse, Claptrap may very well be the only ally I had in the area. I made my way through the crowd of savages and approached the robot, knowing he was my best chance for staying alive in Aegrus…

 **CHAPTER 9 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Don't worry! This fic is still alive! Sorry, I had other fics to worry about. And it was a bit hard writing this chapter. Please don't be offended if it takes a while for the next one to come up.**

 **BTW, keep an eye out for my Ballad of Ricky and Angel AU soon,** ** _Zagreus' Song_** **. And I'm considering a new** ** _Borderlands_** **fic, a crossover. Details later.**

 **Hope you enjoyed my intros of Thirstblood (who will be a more prominent character in my story than he is in the game, where he's a mission provider) and Claptrap.**

 **1\. Having just played through all of** ** _BioShock Infinite_** **, I noticed a lot of parallels between Comstock and Jack, as well as Elizabeth and Angel. I actually came to this epiphany while writing this scene.**

 **2\. In the fifth Headhunter DLC for** ** _Borderlands 2_** **, you see advertisements for this. And one of the savages berates Hammerlock for calling him a savage, saying he has a degree.**


	11. Chapter 10: The Bot Who Would Be King

**CHAPTER 10:**

 **THE BOT WHO WOULD BE KING**

"Okay, guys, your Lord and God has got to talk with one of his besties! I'd really appreciate it if you'd scram for a few moments." Claptrap said. "By the way, thanks Thirstblood! You'll be well rewarded for your loyalty!"

Thirstblood shrugged nonchalantly. "Eh, no biggy."

Claptrap all but dragged me into the hut, and as it was designed for his proportions rather than my own, it was more than a little cramped. Once I was sure the worshippers had moved away, I hissed, "Are you completely insane?"

"I wouldn't say _completely_ ," Claptrap said coyly. "But sanity's overrated on Pandora. Besides, I'm getting some respect here! I'm about overdue!"

"You said you were on holiday to Aegrus, not getting worshipped as a god!"

"Well, one thing led to another, Doc. I ain't going to say no, especially if it keeps me safe. Besides, I probably just saved your ass."

I had to concede that he was right. Thirstblood and Claptrap had made sure that my survival in the dangerous locales of Aegrus was, if not assured, then substantially helped. "Okay, I'll give you that. Thanks, Claptrap."

"You're welcome. So, what happened? How did you end up here in the first place?"

"It's a long story. Might as well get started…"

* * *

I have to say, Claptrap at least listened without interjecting too much. Strangely enough, he seemed far more intelligent and less verbose than usual. I liked that, but it was also disturbing.

After I finished, Claptrap was, uncharacteristically, silent. We both were, for a time. Finally, I decided to break it. "Claptrap, do you know how to repair an ECHO device?"

"Sure," the robot said. "I used to give them out to new arrivals. It was part of Dahl's welcome package."

I handed Claptrap my ECHO. "The GPS system's fine, but the comms system isn't. Do you think you can fix it without Jack finding out where we are?"

"Sure thing!" With that, the rhomboid robot began tinkering with the ECHO device. As he did so, he said, "I remember that Watcher thing, and Zarpedon, of course. And Janey and Athena…I get the feeling Janey liked me, and Athena…well, she was pretty much the only one besides Lady Hammerlock to apologise for treating me like crap. Then again, Athena wasn't actually cruel to me, just inconsiderate. Ditto Tim."

"Wait, Lady Hammerlock apologised to you? The same bitch who turned my chest into burger meat with a sniper rifle?"

"Yeah, that woman! Of course, she'd do anything to alleviate her boredom. Teaming up with Jack would be part of it. Me…well, it'd take some serious reprogramming for me to do so, and believe me, it would take a lot of that now." The robot sighed. "But then again, I know a lot about that," he said quietly. "Being reprogrammed, I mean."

"Must suck," I muttered.

"Yeah, that's one way of putting it. Not a very good way, but it's certainly one way." Claptrap looked like he would have frowned if he could have. "You know I was once reprogrammed by Hyperion into becoming the Interplanetary Ninja Assassin Claptrap?"

"Roland told me," I said(1).

"Yeah. Not like I _wanted_ to become that. But…for a time, I was so free…and I saw how humans treated me and my kind…and I thought, 'Fuck you, Hyperion', and 'Fuck you, humans'." A sigh emitted from the robot. "But I think the sudden reprogramming conflicted with the personality I already had programmed into me. I like humans, for the most part. Or maybe I'm just programmed to like humans. Scary, isn't it? I can go from liking humans to hating their guts at the flick of a switch. Most of my INAC programming was purged when the first Vault Hunters used the WIRED device on me. But I still have elements of it. That's how Jack reprogrammed me into the Fragtrap."

"Athena told me about what happened on Elpis. In more detail than Tim or you ever did. Not to mention what Jack did." I leaned back, as far as I could in the cramped hut, and asked, "Claptrap…why did you help us, when we first crash-landed in Windshear Waste? Was it because you needed someone to help you get revenge on Jack? Or because you were lonely?"

The robot paused, before admitting, "Revenge, really. I couldn't take revenge on Jack myself, because most of my Fragtrap programming was deleted. I wasn't even brave enough anymore to leave Windshear Waste. When I fought on Elpis…I fought all sorts of baddies. Not without fear, but with Athena, Tim, and the others…I took down Deadlift, RedBelly, the Bosun…but then, I had to also kill Felicity."

I remembered Athena expressing her regret at having to kill the artificial intelligence, formerly known as the Skipper, and forced to become the basis for the Constructor program. "I would have liked to have met her," I said, honestly.

"Yeah. Thing is, I wasn't brave enough anymore. So when you guys came along, I thought, well, why not? And, well, it turned out well enough. I got to Sanctuary, Jack got ganked, for a while, and you got Angel. Win, win."

"I guess."

For a moment, silence reigned again, before Claptrap broke it again. "So, you've met the Watcher, huh? And Zarpedon's in your head?"

"It could be worse," I said quietly. "Handsome Jack could be up here." I tapped my temple3.

"Yeah, that _would_ be bad. Of course, I've had my comrades in my head. That was…weird. Especially with myself in there as well. Thinking about that makes my head hurt. Goddamn recursive thinking." Claptrap sighed. "Okay, I've got the ECHO device ready. I think I managed to make sure Jack can't trace it easily, but I think Angel would be better at that."

"Okay." I took the device, and activated it, calling up Angel.

She appeared on the screen, looking relieved. Her image dissolved briefly into a burst of static as she used her Phase-shift to stop any trace. " _Oh God, Ricky, are you all right?_ "

"Up a creek without a paddle, but yeah, I'm fine enough. That's not an experience I want to try again. Listen, Angel, I'm in Aegrus. Jack's definitely alive, and mashed up with Nisha, just like Krieg and Steve are. Nakayama is working for them, and so too is Lady Hammerlock. She's the one who shot me. The Watcher helped me escape. I'm…safe, for the moment. Claptrap's sheltering me." I smiled at her in what I hoped was a reassuring manner. "Angel, are you all right?"

" _Worried sick. Everyone is. I figured you were in Aegrus. Besides us already suspecting someone was up to something there, the datastream from the New-U process ended there, though we couldn't finalise the trace. Then, the Watcher contacted us, said it was on the way to freeing you. Lilith's on the warpath. Hell, so is Torgue. He doesn't like the fact that someone intervened in the tournament. Unfortunately, some of us have to stay in the tournament. I'm definitely coming to Aegrus, and so is Athena. I think Zer0's coming too. And word is from Sanctuary that Sir Hammerlock wants to come to Aegrus._ "

"How long before you guys can get here?"

" _We'll be in Aegrus tomorrow. I've prevented Jack from tracing you, and I've got the GPS coordinates for your location. We'll try to get to you ASAP._ " Angel sighed. " _Christ, Ricky, I thought I had lost you. I knew you were still in the New-U system, but…shit, it was like you really died._ "

"Yeah, it felt that way for me. Speaking of dead people, or at least people who should be dead, I found out I have an unexpected roomie in my skull."

" _Really? Just when I thought this day couldn't get any worse. Anyone we have to worry about?_ "

"I hope not, though you're gonna freak when you learn who it is."

"… _Oh God, it's not Herbert, is it?_ "

"What? No, no! God, I wouldn't be so calm if it was fucking Herbert! Knowing that creepy fuck, he'd have hijacked me to go after Captain Scarlett. No, this is someone who's somehow linked to me through that artifact the Watcher gave me. Someone the Watcher allied with during the Elpis fiasco."

Angel's eyes widened. " _Zarpedon?! You have Colonel Tungsteena Zarpedon in your head?! The late commander of the Lost Legion?!_ "

"Yeah, but quieten down, or else they'll all want one."

" _So…you seem surprisingly okay with having the same woman who ordered the destruction of Elpis in your head._ "

"I gave her a serve. It's not like she's taken over my body for anything more than giving Jack a verbal bitchslapping. Anyway, she seems sorry. And better her than your father, right?"

" _I guess so. Just keep an eye on her…metaphorically speaking. We're on our way. Ricky…stay safe. Claptrap, if you're listening, you keep him safe, you hear?_ "

"Understood!" Claptrap said with a hearty little salute. "I won't let you down, Angel! By the way, if you're going to approach the village, tell the guards the following password." He then proceeded to emit a guttural and flatulent series of noises that sounded less like language and more like a collection of animal growls and squawks, combined with farting and burping.

"…Okay," Angel said. "So, just to be clear, it's…" She repeated the same sounds, or so I thought. Claptrap, however, seemed to disagree.

"No, no, it's…" He made a farting noise. "Not…" He made an almost exactly similar farting noise, only lower-pitched. "Aegrean is partly a tonal language. You have to remember that. Speak a syllable the wrong way, and you shift from 'Yes, I would like to have a meal with you' to 'I want to cut off your genitals', and they tend to take issue with that."

" _Okay, Claptrap, too much information_ ," Angel said. "Even by Pandoran standards, that's TMI."

"You're welcome!" Claptrap said cheerfully.

* * *

That night, once more, I was in the office of the Merrif. And Zarpedon was there, looking out at the landscape of Elpis. "So," I said, walking over to join her at the window, "how did it feel to be slapped by Handsome Jack?"

"Painful. Better than being shot through the head by the man. As an experience, that was highly overrated." The older woman sighed. "Remind me to thank Athena and Tim when you see them next, for bringing my daughter my ECHO message. They were at least the most honourable of Jack's band of Vault Hunters. I remember that they were also the ones to help fulfil Captain Thorson's last request. He'd managed to record some instructions for them on an ECHO recorder, asking them to tell me of his fate, to avenge his death…and to call Nel a dick. I gave them the coordinates to a weapons cache out of gratitude. That didn't stop them from killing me, but I cannot blame them. They were working from faulty information…and, of course, there was the fact that I was trying to blow up Elpis. Not to mention trying to kill them."

"That would put the dampener on any friendship right there," I remarked, rather deadpan. "I hope Athena doesn't decide to put a bullet in my head because you happen to be in it."

"She'll have the decency to hear you out. She may be a professional, but she's also got a good heart, especially for someone who went through the barbarity of the Crimson Lance's indoctrination. I would have been as proud to have her as my daughter as I would my own. A shame we were on different sides. Of course, if it were Jack in your head, and not me, it might be a different matter."

"It has been noted," I remarked. "Angel's a bit skittish about you being in my brain, though."

"I can imagine." She looked at me with those Eridium-infused eyes. Once more, I was struck by how they managed to retain their humanity, even as they glowed with sickly violet light. "I saw your memories. I saw what Jack did to her. Even though I knew of the vile things he was destined to do…seeing what he did to Angel was sickening. And I saw the complete and utter devotion you had to her, doing the impossible to free her from her cage." She chuckled. "You know something, Richard Snyder? You struck a more grievous blow against Handsome Jack by that one act than I or the Vault Hunters ever did."

"I guess so…but I did it mostly for Angel and me," I said. "Pissing Jack off was a bonus. A pretty enjoyable one, but it was a bonus."

"True." Zarpedon turned to face the lunar landscape once more. "But now, he's not only still alive, but desperate and dangerous. And he has a goal. Not just taking back Hyperion, but finishing what he started. I know Jack. I know what he wants. Power. Power through destruction. And with him back to life, he now knows what he's going to do. And what's worse, he now knows how to do it, I daresay."

"Do what? What do you mean, finish what he started?"

She turned to face me, the look of an impending revelation in her glowing eyes. Sadness and sorrow mingling with fatalism. And then, she spoke a sentence that sent a chill through my soul.

"He intends to unlock the Vault of the Warrior."

 **CHAPTER 10 ANNOTATIONS:**

 **Dun, dun,** ** _DUNNN!_**

 **Actually, seriously, I didn't intend for the chapter to end with that revelation when I started writing it. Hell, I didn't even have Jack intending to reawaken the Warrior. I just intended for him to try and take back Hyperion. But yeah. There's that. So hopefully, there'll be eventually a big finale.**

 **BTW, did you like the way I fleshed out Claptrap's character? I thought it was about time that he got some depth to him.**

 **Some of you might have noticed that I have abandoned** ** _Zagreus' Song_** **. I'm fully intending to write a new story, what I was intending to be the sequel to** ** _Zagreus' Song_** **, set during the Pre-Sequel. Keep an eye out for** ** _Fly Me to the Moon_** **.**

 **By the way, sorry for the wait for this chapter. And it'll be a wait for the next one too. Sorry. :(**

 **1\. Mentioned briefly in** ** _The Ballad of Ricky and Angel Files_** **, specifically** ** _Claptrap's Party_** **.**


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